Snowed In

Winter has definitely arrived in this part of the country, and while it does get cold and snowy it doesn't happen very often. Where I live we are sheltered by the Chesapeake Bay so most of the time the bad weather misses us. Not the last couple of years, much to the Bumper's delight. Last year we had one very decent snowfall -- about 5inches and this year so far we have had one and are in the middle of getting another.

As an adult my perspective on snowstorms changed. When I started working after college I suddenly realized that wintry weather could be a pain, because gone were the carefree days of tobogganing, snowmen, and hot coca; they have been replaced by shoveling the driveway, scraping off the car and actually driving to work in the stuff. YUCK!

Fast forward a dozen years or so and the Bumper enters my life. Hello childhood magic, how  I have missed you. The Bumper is three this year and she has gotten the idea about snow. She loves the stuff! She makes snow angles, and snowmen, and dizzy crazy tracks in the snow. I can enjoy her laughter and enthusiasm, while vainly trying to convince my headstrong daughter that 8 degrees F is not play weather.

In the end I caved, bundled the two of us up and headed out with her. When we finally came in I made a bowl of maple candy, since the Bumper does not care for coca, and soon we will pop some pop corn  and sit by the pellet stove. Winter bliss I say.

Blessings,
Kim

Of Toddlers and Tea Parties

One of the things the Bumper received from her grandparents for her third birthday was a musical play tea set. That's right musical, the tea pot "sings" I'm a Little Teapot. I plastered a smile on my face and politely said thank you. In my head I was thinking "Oh no! Not another noisy toy!"
Well, the Bumper fell in love with the tea set even before it was out of the box. She could hardly wait for me to take away the package, and once I did she promptly served tea to her grandparents. Even though I switched the dial to off, it did not take the Bumper long to figure out how to turn on the sound. I contemplated taking out the batteries, but seeing her jumping with excitement when the kettle made pouring noises stayed my hand. I am glad. For something wonderful happened.

After the initial excitement wore off, the Bumper seemed to forget about the little play set and I thought that would be that.  A few weeks later she discovered it again and this time the figured out how to make it play the song. She was ecstatic!  she jumped, she danced and she sang. Then she insisted I find the lyrics online and perform the dance that goes along with the lyrics. I obliged and I had so much fun showing the Bumper how to be the little teapot. We spent about three hours (not kidding) doing this until she learned the song and the movements by heart.

Since that afternoon we have had many pretend picnic tea parties, but the music has stayed off. The Bumper turned off the sound herself at the end of our dance party. She decided she likes quiet tea parties instead. She still likes the song and dance and every so often I catch her singing it to herself and making the movements.

A toy I thought would be a nuisance turned into something that opened the doors of imagination for the Bumper. I am glad to have been wrong on this one. I love watching her play and invent stories for her stuffed animals.

Blessings,
Kim

Whew! The Holidays Are Over or Dickens Is Rolling In His Grave

I felt like Ebenezer Scrooge this year. It is not that I don't like Christmas, I do  and it is a good thing because my family tends to stretch it out until the middle of January. We start on Christmas Eve and end with the Fiesta for the Infant Jesus of Cebu.

I felt like Scrooge because of the ghosts. I knew this Christmas was going to be difficult with my husband's death shortly before Thanksgiving, but I did not expect to visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present and yet to come.

 When I went to midnight mass I had a hard time concentrating on the service because I kept remembering years past. I remember the year we got engaged and how happy we were, singing "Joyful, Joyful we adore thee," at the top of our lungs because we were bursting with heartfelt joy. Then I remembered last year; we were separated and still angry with one another, but the two of us made time to go "sneaking" (the three of us flattened ourselves against the walls of the sanctuary and scoot around the room) with the Bumper.  It was with a pang I realized that was the first and last time the three of us would ever do that, so in commemoration after Mass I went "sneaking".
On Christmas day we went to a Christmas brunch where the Bumper was showered in gifts, and go to play with some children her own age. Afterwards we went back to Nana's house where the Bumper's paternal grandparents came over and her even more gifts, the Bumper and I have been quite overwhelmed by all this generosity. Yet in the middle of the happiness, I was ill at ease waiting for the moment when the Bumper asked to see her dad. When that moment came, none of us present knew what to say and instead chose the diversionary tactic of a tea party with Grandpa.

As we headed into the New Year, I began to understand that I was going to have to create new holiday traditions with the Bumper, one of those traditions will be visiting with my sister on the day after Christmas, but I am not quite sure how to incorporate all of the Bumper's dad's family. Another new tradition may be opening family gifts on Epiphany.

The next few weeks were taken over by dance practice for the fiesta. The fiesta is a Filipino custom that is part party, part cultural showcase and part religious devotion, and although my family is not Filipino we have been adopted by the community. This was Marie's first year dancing and she did not quite have the hang of all the steps, but she sure had fun! As I watched her my fists instinct was to to share the pictures I took with her dad, but he is no longer there. Instead I have been sharing the pictures with as many friends and relatives as possible.

The Holiday season was good because I was able to connect the Bumper with some of her dad's family, and take pleasure in her delight in everything. Yet at the same time it was hard because I was, and still am, grieving. As I stood in front of the Nativity at our church I thought about that first Christmas so long ago: Mary and Joseph were far away from family and the comforts of home, the were most likely scared and lonely, yet they had faith in God's plan and they persevered. Even the great event of the birth of the Savior was tinged with sorrow. I am comforted by that, knowing it is okay for me to be sad as well joyful. I also have faith in God's plan and I too will persevere.

Blessings,
Kim

Feeling Under the Weather

The Bumper has been feeling under the weather for the last few days and I am getting a new appreciation for the all night vigil. When I was a new mom and the Bumper was very small I spent a lot of sleepless nights with her. She was what is known as a happy spit-er, although at the time I was not convinced there was anything happy about it. These days she sleeps nearly all the way through the night, waking occasionally for some comfort nursing or cup of water, until she gets sick.
I have gotten used to getting a good nights sleep, being woken at 2am by vomiting was quite a shock to both our systems. The big difference is that this time around I was prepared. I know enough now to put everything I can on hold and sleep when she sleeps. Although I certainly did not mind holding her head and wiping her mouth after each round, I did mind that she could not keep still. The Bumper insisted on getting up and wandering around, which made for some very messy clean up!

Because she  did not get any better and was unable to keep anything, liquid or solid, down, I took her to the emergency room at our local hospital. Fortunately the Bumper was not severely dehydrated and the hospital just gave us some medicine and sent us on our way. That night, for the first time in over a week we slept peacefully.The peace did not last, as Nana and I both came down with the same virus. YUCK! Three people sick at one time was definitely not fun. I can laugh now, but at the time all three us us taking turns running to the bathroom did not inspire humor!

Fast forward to December 6th. I was the Bumper's birthday and time for her well child check up. Well this pleased mama is happy to announce that my three year old kiddo is doing fine. She was healthy, well coordinated, and talked the doctors ear off. I could not be happier! After the events of the last month, we needed some good news.

Blessings,

Kim

Mourning and Peace

After three weeks of sleepless, harrowing nights, when every sound made me start and reach for the phone, the call finally came. At 9:52pm EST on November 25, 2013 I got the call from the hospital telling me the Bumper's dad had passed away. I knew it was coming, and still I was not prepared. In spite of myself I expected him to pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat and pull through. I am still expecting to get a phone call or a text message from him telling me that somehow it was all a mistake. I keep pinching myself to be sure this isn't some kind of deranged nightmare. It is all too real. Yet it is quite surreal, and I am told the way I am feeling is quite normal. I know the people who are telling me this mean to be reassuring, I do not feel reassured. I feel sad, angry, relieved, cold, empty and hurt all at once.

The funeral was Monday December 2, 2013. I did not realize, until it happened to me, how hollow the words people say at funerals seem. I must admit I was in shock then, and the shock has not worn off. Underneath is a vault of tears I have yet to open. I know right now I need to  be strong, for the Bumper, and to get through the legal aftermath. My strength comes from the peace I gained on Sunday November 24, 2013. Let me explain.

On Friday November 22, 2013, the hospital called me and said if I wanted to visit with Matt that the coming weekend would be a good time. This announcement filled me with a quaking dread, I wasn't sure I wanted to see him sick, but the hospital kept saying they were trying everything they could and he was still not responding. Saturday proved to be impossible, so I called the hospital on Sunday morning to check to see if he had improved; he had not, in fact he had gotten worse. The Bumper's dad, the hospital told me, was going into liver failure and his kidneys and pancreas were not far behind. The settled it, off we went. Nana, the Bumper, and I drove the six hours to the hospital where the Bumper's dad was being treated.
I had been warned about what to expect when I got to the Medical Intensive Care Unit. I had been told he could not speak, and was in and out of consciousness. On the drive down I wrote him a letter of all the things I wanted to say to him: how I felt about the verbal abuse, the separation, the custody agreement, his illness, everything. I had been warned. I thought I was prepared. I wasn't

The Bumper's dad lay in a bed swollen and jaundiced -- he was the color of a dirty yellow tennis ball, where the whites of his eyes should have been were filled in with blood, and he could do barely more than moan. There was however light in his eyes, his mind was still there, trapped in a body that was slowly failing, I could see his pain and distress I immediately went to him and grasped one of his hands with mine, and placed my other hand on his chest where I could feel his rapid heartbeat. All I had written, except the last two lines, seemed pointless. I knew what I had to say and I said it.

"I forgive you," I said, "I forgive you for the past eighteen month and for everything that led to our separation."

The Bumper's dad closed his eyes, and sighed, his heartbeat slowed and when he reopened his eyes there was a calm and peace that was not there before. Not willing to simply leave it at that I asked him to forgive me if I had in anyway harmed him. The Bumper's did lightly squeezed my hand and I took that for absolution. Peace settled upon the both of us and we were at ease with one another again,
For the next three hours we stayed with our hands together. We reminisced as best we could about the good times we had shared,. I sang him all of his favorite hymns and a few of our favourite songs. A news story came on about the town where we got engaged and the Bumper's dad shook his body as best he could to point it out to me. I am also confident he made his peace with God because he allowed the hospital chaplain to pray with us and when I asked if he wanted a priest to come and give him the sacrament of the anointing of the sick, he gave me a thumb up. I sat with him until the anaesthesiologist came to begin the last treatment the hospital was going to try. Before I left the room I leaned over and one last time told him I had forgiven him, whispered 'I love you' and reminded him of God's love for him. I refused to say good bye instead I said:

"Fare the well, be at peace and if you need to go, rest assured that I will do my best to let the Bumper know how much her dad loved her."

We did not get back home until two in the morning on Monday. At 7:00pm the hospital called and a teleconference was held with the rest of the family (I was unable to go back to the hospital because of the distance), The treatment they had tried the night before was not working, and the hospital had run out of things to try except to make him comfortable. We agreed to let nature take its course and later that night I got the final call.

I will always be grateful that God gave me the chance to reconcile with the Bumper's dad. I am glad I took the chance when it was offered. I can now look my daughter in the eye and share the good things about him without bitterness or feeling false. I cam mourn with out guilt. I take comfort in the look of peace the Bumper's dad had on his face when I left him that night. The tears will come, but for now Peace sustains me.

Blessings,
Kim

Autumn Splendor

I love it when the air changes from warm to cool for fall. I love the crisp hint of winter in the air and I am a complete sucker for the changing leaves. I adore the brilliant reds, oranges, and yellows this region produces. This year has not yet been good for fall colors. It has been too dry and hot or too wet or too something. So I am going to post a few pictures from last year.
The Bumper has had a nasty cold for the last several days and  much as I enjoy snuggling by the fire with her I am anxious to have her well.
One of the highlights of this Autumn has been watching the Bumper eagerly call out the colors on the trees. She has also been fascinated by the squirrels hiding their acorns. Whenever we go walking in the woods, the Bumper insists we walk quietly so as not to scare the squirrels and make them forget where they have put their nuts.
It has been so much fun experiencing this season with a small child, her pure joy lifts my spirits.
Blessings,
Kim

Ok this is a bit of a cheat, these are our mum from this year.

I just love how cozy the house look snuggled into the foot hills

The soft warm colors are so pretty

This fireball stood out

More mellow trees that make me want to curl up with some tea.

Faith, Trust and Carrying On

Warning: If you are expecting a happy carefree post about homemaking, crafts, or Christian living turn back now.

I am not in a happy place right now. I am in a faith filled place, I am in a grateful place, but it is not a happy place. It is more like an angry, grief stricken, shock-y, this is not really happening to me place.
I debated about blogging this, but I know I am not the only person in this situation and sometimes writing out my feelings helps me sort through them.

On Friday, November 8, 2013 at 4:00 in the morning I got one those calls. The ones that only come in the middle of the night or early morning and come with terrible news. A hospital called  asking for my  permission to treat the Bumper's dad because he had ingested Tylenol, aspirin, and rat poison. My first thought was why would anyone over the age of three mistakenly eat rat poison
then came the realization. The Bumper's dad had tried to commit suicide.
Oh.
Dear.
God.
He is now in the hospital's ICU. He has not regained consciousness, he is not responding to external pain stimuli, he is on a respirator, I have been told there is some brain activity.  The doctors have thus far been unwilling, or unable to give me a prognosis-- they do not know if  he will recover or when. It could take up to thirty days for the poison to leave his body. Thirty days of uncertainty. Thirty days for me to deal with my pain, anger and grief.

Even with everything that had passed between us, with the verbal abuse, I  was still cognizant that this was someone I had once loved enough to marry and have a child with. So I feel betrayed--again.
It hurts to know that he was in so much pain that he thought dying was better than living. Then I get angry, because he kept telling me how much he loved his daughter and all I can think is : Well if you loved her so much, why did you do this to yourself? What about the Bumper? What do I tell her? Best case scenario is he recovers fully and this incident never gets mentioned.  Other options include having to explain to her why he chose to end his life, or why he is so incapacitated that he can not be a father to her. For there are things worse than death.

For example as the legal spouse I have medical power of attorney by default, so I may be called upon to make end of life decisions for someone who should still be in his prime. At the risk of sounding completely selfish: I am so not prepared for this. I do not understand this. Someone said to me recently, after I had explained the situation that many people in my position might have committed suicide themselves or at the very least dived headfirst into a bottle. Neither is an option for me.
Firstly I believe my life is a gift from God and I do not have the right to take it and secondly I am the Bumper's mother. I love her and she needs me. How could I abandon her? As to diving into the bottle-- I will have five years sobriety this November and I am not going to lose that. Anyway it would not do any good, because I certainly would not be able to take care of the Bumper in a drunken stupor and hangovers are a pain.

 So what am I doing? How have I gotten through the last few days without going completely insane?
I have relied on God. I have prayed. I have put my trust in the Lord. It has not been easy. I have read the Bible and called friends to have them pray with me. It helps, but only so much because I am still very human. I get up, I make breakfast, I go through our daily routine. I give and accept hugs from the Bumper. I smile with her as she points out with childish delight the trees arrayed on scarlet and gold. I laugh when a much anticipated rain shower does not produce the lovely splashing puddles she so wanted to jump in.

In the midst of sorrow life still goes on. I am praying for those in the Philippines affected by the Typhoon and grateful my friends are safe. I am trying to look beyond what is going on in my life and reach out to others. I am simply carrying on.

Blessings,
Kim