Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Faith, Trust and Carrying On
I am not in a happy place right now. I am in a faith filled place, I am in a grateful place, but it is not a happy place. It is more like an angry, grief stricken, shock-y, this is not really happening to me place.
I debated about blogging this, but I know I am not the only person in this situation and sometimes writing out my feelings helps me sort through them.
On Friday, November 8, 2013 at 4:00 in the morning I got one those calls. The ones that only come in the middle of the night or early morning and come with terrible news. A hospital called asking for my permission to treat the Bumper's dad because he had ingested Tylenol, aspirin, and rat poison. My first thought was why would anyone over the age of three mistakenly eat rat poison
then came the realization. The Bumper's dad had tried to commit suicide.
He is now in the hospital's ICU. He has not regained consciousness, he is not responding to external pain stimuli, he is on a respirator, I have been told there is some brain activity. The doctors have thus far been unwilling, or unable to give me a prognosis-- they do not know if he will recover or when. It could take up to thirty days for the poison to leave his body. Thirty days of uncertainty. Thirty days for me to deal with my pain, anger and grief.
Even with everything that had passed between us, with the verbal abuse, I was still cognizant that this was someone I had once loved enough to marry and have a child with. So I feel betrayed--again.
It hurts to know that he was in so much pain that he thought dying was better than living. Then I get angry, because he kept telling me how much he loved his daughter and all I can think is : Well if you loved her so much, why did you do this to yourself? What about the Bumper? What do I tell her? Best case scenario is he recovers fully and this incident never gets mentioned. Other options include having to explain to her why he chose to end his life, or why he is so incapacitated that he can not be a father to her. For there are things worse than death.
For example as the legal spouse I have medical power of attorney by default, so I may be called upon to make end of life decisions for someone who should still be in his prime. At the risk of sounding completely selfish: I am so not prepared for this. I do not understand this. Someone said to me recently, after I had explained the situation that many people in my position might have committed suicide themselves or at the very least dived headfirst into a bottle. Neither is an option for me.
Firstly I believe my life is a gift from God and I do not have the right to take it and secondly I am the Bumper's mother. I love her and she needs me. How could I abandon her? As to diving into the bottle-- I will have five years sobriety this November and I am not going to lose that. Anyway it would not do any good, because I certainly would not be able to take care of the Bumper in a drunken stupor and hangovers are a pain.
So what am I doing? How have I gotten through the last few days without going completely insane?
I have relied on God. I have prayed. I have put my trust in the Lord. It has not been easy. I have read the Bible and called friends to have them pray with me. It helps, but only so much because I am still very human. I get up, I make breakfast, I go through our daily routine. I give and accept hugs from the Bumper. I smile with her as she points out with childish delight the trees arrayed on scarlet and gold. I laugh when a much anticipated rain shower does not produce the lovely splashing puddles she so wanted to jump in.
In the midst of sorrow life still goes on. I am praying for those in the Philippines affected by the Typhoon and grateful my friends are safe. I am trying to look beyond what is going on in my life and reach out to others. I am simply carrying on.