Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Sticks and Stones
" Stick and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
I learned this adage as a child, but it is not true. Words do hurt. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. The nasty comments, the slurs, the curses these stay with me a lot longer than the compliments.
I had been hopeful that things might be looking up for M and I, but we have settle back into our old pattern of hurled insults and tears : him with the insults and me with the tears.
Last Saturday I took the Bumper up to see M. We met in a neutral location- his church. I took the Bumper to him, no sooner than we had arrived he shoved a piece of paper that would have made changes to out visitation agreement under my nose and ordered me to sign. I have made it a long standing practice never to sign anything without reading it, so I refused. He went into a rage and and started yelling at me and telling me how untrustworthy I was and he wouldn't have to do this if I didn't lie to him all the time. M then proceeded to curse and call my mother the "N" word because she was waiting out side in the car. I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. We were in public, there were lots of people around and he still felt free to verbally attack me. I did the only thing I could I left.
Three days later I am still reeling. I keep wondering if his accusations are true, if I really am a bad mother, and a horrible person. Self-doubt and worry crowd out all other thoughts. Yet I put my faith and trust in the Lord and I take comfort in Psalm 37.
There are days when I wonder if all this pain and turmoil is worth it, then I see the Bumper smile and greet her Nana with a hug, I watch her play with the backyard kittens, and squeal with delight when she gets ready for her bath, and I know God wants me to stay right where I am.