I don't believe in coincidences, so when the last three sermons at church were on mercy and forgiveness I figured God must be trying to get me to pay attention. So I did. I have not been merciful or forgiving. I have been on my pity pot crying woe is me. I tallied up all of M's faults, every unkind word, every rude action, every slight real or imagined, and held the against him. I never said anything out loud, oh no, to do so would have been to admit to my own faults, failings and mistakes. It takes two two argue, but I was not willing to see that. Then last Sunday in the middle of the sermon I finally got it. God's mercy and forgiveness are freely given, they are not dependant on our actions. God's mercy and forgiveness are there for M whether I think he deserves it or not. It is not up to me. It is up to God. So I handed our marriage over to God. I forgave.
You know what? I am feeling better and our marriage is doing better.