Sleepy and Slow

This morning was one of those mornings. The kind where I get up too late and run around in circles trying to get the Bumper out the door when she has emphatically stated she does not want to go to school. She was tired and I was tired and rather than get into a power struggle I slowed the pace way down. We had a breakfast of cold cereal, much to the Bumper's dismay as she prefers a hot breakfast and the Bumper pulled out all the stops on the go slow chart. She wanted to do everything except get dressed for school. I let her. I went about as though she were not there, putting things away, and starting my morning work routine. In between times I manged to get her dressed in her school uniform. I then told her if she was sick, by all means she ought to stay home--in bed. She decided she would much rather go to school. It was an hour late, but we went.

I understand her reluctance. For some reason the time change hit all of us especially hard this year; and we were all out late last night celebrating St. Patrick's day, which made getting up this morning very difficult.  Still I had to be firm and make her go. I was glad I did; because as soon as we got to school the Bumper perked up. We walked in on her teacher asking what Easter is really about, instead and the Bumper slid into her seat, like a ball player heading for home base, hand waving wildly in the air shouting "Jesus!".

Enthusiasm is a good thing.

Kim

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Photo courtesy of The Garden Helper.com

This year we are all about the green on St. Patrick's Day. On most days where the Bumper goes to school and I must admit I was unprepared. I simply grabbed the only green shirt she owned, and called it done. Well I "forgot" the Bumper is now going to a Catholic school; and they take 'wearing of the green to a whole other level! Next year I will know better.

While our family does have Irish in it on my mom's side, it is back a couple of generations. We haven't made much of St. Patrick's in years past, but this year Nana is making corned beef and cabbage, boiled potatoes and Irish Soda bread.  I will be making tofu scramble for those of us who do not eat meat, not traditional but very good. We will be headed over to a friend's house and we are celebrating in memory of another friend who passed away four years ago. Our late friend was second generation Irish American and very proud of her heritage. It is in her honor we are having  a small party tonight. There will be no raucous drinking, or singing, just good plain food shared in thanks with friends. Given that one of the cornerstones of Christianity is sharing what we have with others I can think of  no better way to honor St. Patrick.

Kim

Randomly on Friday

Snowsaurus

Right now Mother Nature is laughing at us. This morning we woke up, much to the Bumper's delight, to a blanket of white fluffy snow, and by this afternoon it was gone. Her school, much to the Bumper's dismay, remained open; so she had only a few minutes to make a mini-snowman, eat her syrup snow and pelt me with snowballs on the way to the car. Since it was my volunteer day in the school cafeteria I stayed at school all day. Because we are still in Lent the kids were served macaroni and cheese with a corn muffin and carrots. By the end of lunch time I felt sorry for the poor little carrots as they all got left behind while the kids took only the trays with the pasta.

In keeping with our Lenten theme of Meatless Simplicity the Bumper ate left over  cheese pizza from yesterday's lunch, I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and Nana ate soup. After standing on my feet all day preparing and serving food the last thing I wanted to do was come home and cook. Friday and weekends in general we keep it pretty informal, sometimes we even just grab some tortilla chips, salsa, popcorn, and maybe hot dogs (not during Lent of course) for the Bumper and Nana, and a veggie burger for me and we sit in the living room and watch a movie together.

This weekend we are looking forward to a play date with one of the Bumper's friends and I hope to get to my knit group to enjoy some crafty me time.

Kim

Screeching to a Halt - Lent Interupts the Busy

This must be the season of busy. I am busy, the Bumper is busy and Nana is busy!  I am writing on my novel, crocheting, knitting, housekeeping and volunteering at the Bumper's school. The Bumper is full time in school and most days stays on the playground for an hour afterwards. On Thursdays we go to our local library for the Lego challenge and she builds stuff. She has also been attending birthday parties for her new classmates. One of them was a very girly tea party. The Bumper liked dressing up, but she did not like having to sit still for so long. She prefers to be active.

Our February weather had us going topsy turvy one day it would be sunny and warm enough to leave our jackets at home the next day a snowstorm. The Bumper liked the snow storm best of all. She crammed all her favorite activities into one day. She ate syrup snow, had a snowball fight and built her first ever real snowman. February also marked the beginning of Lent this year. We ate pancakes for supper on Mardi Gras, this has become a family tradition and one the Bumper heartily endorses. The next day was Ash Wednesday, and the Bumper got ashes put on her head for the first time, she thought it very funny and said we all looked silly. She then asked if it was okay to look silly for Jesus; I said yes.

This year our whole family is participating in the Lenten disciplines of prayer fasting and Alms giving. The Bumper is learning the Lord's prayer, which we have been reading and saying together at night, Nana and I have given up our morning coffee and sweets. I am making the time to read my Bible in the morning and to go to church one extra day during the week.

 The Bumper is excited to see how much money we can put in our Lenten Rice bowl to go to Catholic Relief Services. (The money I would have spent on coffee and treats is going into the bowl).
Since this is the first year the Bumper is aware of what is going on, Nana and I are trying extra hard to practice what we preach and to do so with cheerful hearts. It may not seem like much, giving up coffee, sweets and no meat on Friday, but we are demonstrating the value of  spending time in prayer, self discipline, and thinking of other people's needs.

Little things can make big things happen.

Kim

Christmas is coming!

Happy Advent!

I have not abandoned the blog. That being said I have been running full tilt since October, right up until I got a virus that put me in bed for two weeks. I have also hosted a birthday party for my five year old Bumper (Where did the time go?)

Currently we are getting ready for Christmas. Two weeks ago I put in 15 volunteer hours at the Bumper's school. The Cafeteria lady and I baked, wrapped, and put angel stickers on  500 sugar cookies to be given out at the Christmas play. It was intense and did not leave much time for anything else.We have three candles on the Advent Wreath.

The infamous sugar cookie

This weekend we pulled down the decorations and managed to put up the outside lights, and the mantle garland, but the tree is still bare and the Nativity still in the box. I have 2 hat and scarf sets to knits, mittens and a blanket to crochet (which the Bumper informed me must be finished by Christmas). We also have yet to send out our Christmas cards, or do the baking. We still need to make Chocolate Chip Cookies, Oatmeal Cookies, Butter Tarts, and a birthday cake for baby Jesus(the Bumper's idea).

In the middle of all this business, one thought anchors me : On Christmas Eve we will go to Midnight Mass and let the gratttitide, love, and joy we have be reflectin on over Advent come pouring forth in song, and praise as we proclaim and celebrate the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ! This the core, the most important part. Everything else is gravy.

Peace of Christ this Holiday
Kim

Friday Focus - Good Friday

The sky is gray; the clouds are heavy with rain. Rather perfect for Good Friday, I think.  Christians throughout the world, will to varying degrees, remember and meditate on the Passion and Crucifixion of Jesus Christ. As a Catholic I am called to fast and abstain from meat today.
When I was a child, I bristled at the thought of calling this Friday "good". What could possibly be good about the death of Jesus? It wasn't until I got older that I understood.  His Death, so our sins could be forgiven, before Resurrection. The crown of thorns must proceed the crown of glory. Our Good Friday sorrow turns into Easter Joy, a joy that lasts for all time.

Here are some suggested ways to "celebrate":

1. Read the Gospel accounts in the Bible : John: 18:1 -19:42, Matthew 26:1 - 27:66, Mark 14:1 - 15:47 and Luke 22:1 - 23:56 (KJV)

2. Watch The Passion of the Christ if you are so inclined. I personally find the movie too focused on the gory violence which speaks to me more of Hollywood than a true respect for Christ's suffering.

3. Attend Good Friday service if your church offers one.


4. Read The Dream of the Rood - a 7th century story of the Crucifixion from the cross' point of view.

Kim

Randomly on Thursday

1.Today is Holy Thursday,  as part of our preparation for Easter Sunday we will commemorate the Last Supper in a special way at church tonight. First we will read Exodus 12:1-8, 11-14, Psalms 116:12-13, 15-18, 1 Corinthians 11:23-26, and John 13:1-15. Then the priest will wash the feet of some of the parishioners ( in a parish as larges as ours it would be impractical for everyone to have their feet washed so usually it is members of various volunteer groups). It is a time for us to reflect on the importance of the Holy Eucharist and on our service to one another (and the world at large) as brothers and sisters in Christ in imitation of our Savior. The altar is stripped bare and the statues removed, we depart in silence, all that is left is the core of our faith: Christ crucified  for our sins to rise again on Easter Sunday morn defying death and becoming our salvation.

2. We are hosting Easter Sunday supper this year, which means Nana and I will be frantically trying to get the house "company clean".

3. The weather was so nice today, Nana and the Bumper spent the whole afternoon outside.

4. I opened all the windows to let in the Springtime air and drive out the mustiness of winter.

5. There will be very little crafting or writing getting done over the next few days unless I am determined to get up very early or go to be very late.

Kim

Some Days Are Just Like That

I am still sick, not as bad as last week but still not myself. I am very congested, unable to smell a thing and only able to taste sweet, salty and sour; hence no meatless Monday post as I can't be trusted with seasonings yet. Nana has picked up the slack and created some wonderfully vegan soups, sauteed greens(Tuscany kale, cabbage, parsley, onion, garlic, ginger, and red and green peppers), and chili.

I, on the other hand, have slept a lot, most of last week in fact. I went to the doctor, but I did not have an infection, just a really stubborn cold virus, so no anti-biotic. The doctor told me to keep doing what I was already doing: rest and drink plenty of liquids. She also said it could take around six-teen days to recover. Not the news I wanted to hear. Nana has been wonderful, because she has watched the Bumper every day since I became ill. The Bumper loves her Nana time. Unfortunately this also means she has taken advantage of the the situation and decided to act out knowing I have been too sick to discipline her properly or consistently. She got quite a shock today when I started clamping down and nipping the unruliness in the bud. It will take a few more weeks for us to get back to normal ( it just takes a bit for her to understand than Mom means business).

Spring has finally decided to grace us with its presence today and the daffodils are blooming. The weather has been mild enough for the Bumper to play outside or help Nana plant more flowers. I have even been able to sit outside a bit and soak up the sunshine. I just took some more cold medicine and am going to head back to bed. Nana and the Bumper have headed out in search of baby chicks.
I hope to be back to more regular posting soon, but in the meantime I am taking it one day at a time.

P.S. May your Holy Week (if you celebrate it) be a prayer filled and fruitful one.

Kim

Could it be that Spring is just around the corner?

First to Bloom

Mother Nature gave us  a break this week and we have had spring like temperatures the last few days and if you as me not a moment to soon. I am more than ready for spring, ready to be outside, ready for more daylight and walks in the park. I live in a place where the winter's don't typically get very cold for an extended period of time so we don't have the proper clothing to be outside for long. Knowing the Mid Atlantic region, however, I know better than to be lulled into a sense of complacency.

There are Buds on the Tree!

Today the Bumper and her friends finally after what seemed like forever, although was really only about a month, were able to have outside recess and because the Bumper had a good report from her teacher she went on the playground after school as well. It did my heart good to see her racing at breakneck speed to join her friends on the jungle gym and slide. Hearing her laugh and squeal with glee as she shot down the slide and swung ALL BY HERSELF on the swings made the rough patch of the last two days fade into memory like a bad dream. I let her play for over an hour whilst I chatted with some of the other mothers and it felt good for me to have adult conversation. We took a kite out for the first time over the weekend. The Bumper loved it, even if she felt a little disappointed the wind was not quite strong enough to bear the kite aloft for more than a few minutes at a time. Fortunately we live near the beach and Nana has promised this summer to take the Bumper kite flying near the ocean.

Nana and the Bumper Checking the Garden Hose

Now that the ground has started to thaw, Nana and the Bumper have started getting the garden ready for spring planting. In the next few weeks they will be prepping the vegetable garden and the flowerbeds. The bulbs we planted last autumn should be starting to push their way through to the surface and I can hardly wait for our walk way to be lined with daffodils. We did plan tulip bulbs last autumn as well, but have sneaking suspicion the moles have used them for a winter feast. One of the more unpleasant tasks has been ridding the greenhouse of our feline squatters. In fairness we did not want the cats to perish in the harsh storms, but enough is enough! Mint, parsley, and basil can survive many things, but the territorial markings of male cats are not one of them. Since warmer weather is once again upon us the cats must vacate.

They don't look like much now wait a few weeks!

Surprisingly one of the vegetables to survive were the carrots the Bumper planted last summer. They were not quite big enough to eat. This year they are ready and we have been pulling them and crunching on them as often as we can. I am not sure which pleases me more: eating the tasty carrots or the happiness in the Bumper's eyes when she declares: "Look what I grew Mom!" She is learning the pleasure of growing, preparing and eating fresh food. There is no price tag to be put on such a thing.

Third Hat

It is starting to resemble a sock.

I am in the slog of the sock. I am so very near the toe, but not quite there yet. I have almost finished a third baby hat; as soon as I have done up a fourth I will send them off.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Today is St. Patrick's feast day. The Bumper's school celebrated yesterday so there is green glitter everywhere in the house. We don't typically celebrate the holiday very much, yes there is Irish in my ancestry, but it is kind of way back there. The Bumper has requested some green themed foods so I am whipping up an avocado mousse or maybe some green beans sauteed in garlic. I am also mindful of the Christians who are in parts of the world who are being persecuted. The Christianizing of Ireland came at price, and in spite of what the legends say it was not entirely peaceful. I wear green in both celebration and remembrance.

Kim

Meatless Monday and Christmas Catch Up

Candles to welcome the Light of the World

The Christmas holiday is still going strong over here. In my family we celebrate the twelve days of Christmas. We will take down our decorations after the feast of the Epiphany, in the meantime we are still singing carols and rejoicing in the birth of the Savior even as the rest of the world has moved on.
The Bumper has thoroughly enjoyed herself. She was much more aware of what was going on than in past years. Nana and I definitely caught her excitement and I was willing to stay up late and fill her stocking. The look on her face Christmas morning was well worth the extra effort. The best part for me was when she snuggled down in her bed that night and said: "Mom I love our family. I am glad God gave me our family." We then had a still quiet moment as the Bumper asked God to take care of her Daddy, who she wished could be with us but understands that he is with God.

Happy Birthday Baby Jesus

On the other hand my sister and her husband were not able to join us for Christmas this year because they were laid up with the flu and were bedridden the entire week. Well they say misery loves company, and I caught a sympathy cold that had me out for the count Christmas night and all the day after. The Bumper now has what I had and is being very quiet today.  I am on the mend but am dragging a little bit.

Now here is the thing, I like m y cuppa in the morning (whether green tea or coffee or lemon water depends on my mood), and I especially like pumpkin spice latte. Yeah I know I am late on the pumpkin bandwagon, but as far as I am concerned pumpkin can be eaten all winter long. What I don't like are coffee house prices and fussy recipes. Don't get me wrong, I have found some wonderful vegan recipes, but frankly I don't have that kind of time.  So I give you Busy Mom's Pumpkin spice latte:

 8-16oz Hot brewed coffee
2-3Tbs non-dairy creamer of choice
1tsp pumpkin pie spice

Add the creamer and sprinkle spice on top and voila:  Pumpkin Spice latte (vegan).  The way I figure I all really wanted is the spice taste, if I am trying to add nutrition to my coffee I need to rethink my breakfast choices!

Happy Drinking,
Kim

Finished the Bumper's hat with not a moment to spare!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas.
Glad tidings of great joy.
Today is born our Savior Jesus Christ the Lord/

Kim

Drummer Girls, Cookies and Decking the Halls

Cookies by Bumper

There are only nine days left until Christmas and except for the Bumper's Advent Calendar from school and the few other decorations she has made, the house is alarmingly barren.  I am not really worried though, because our family has a habit of waiting for the very last minute to put up the nativity, the stockings and the tree. Last year we were a bit more organized and the Bumper was able to move the baby Jesus and the wise men closer and closer to Mary and Joseph each Sunday in Advent, this year she will probably be putting Him in on Christmas Eve. Last year I did everything in a haze of grief and forced cheer. This year, while I am not as "merry" as I normally get during the holidays, I am a lot more calm and having a lot more fun with the Bumper. We made sugar cookies together for the first time this past week, she used the cookie cutters all by herself and she decorated them too! I have been reading the nativity story from her Children's Bible and she is full of questions. Yesterday we sat and drew candy canes together and she has been asking to start decorating the house.

Happy Birthday Bumper!

We have just been so busy. On the 6th we celebrated the Bumper's fourth birthday. There were fifteen kids at the party plus two sets of grand parents, and her aunt and uncle  and cousins from Baltimore. The Bumper thoroughly enjoyed herself. She especially liked the pinata in the shape of a cupcake. Last week the Bumper had her school play and we had a Christmas party to go to. I discovered my Bumper is quite the party girl. She enjoyed playing with the other children at the Christmas party it was hard to convince her to leave! We also went through the Bumper's toys and she picked out the ones she wanted to give away, along with the shoes and pajamas she has outgrown.

We will probably put up the tree in the next day or so, or maybe not, but one thing is for sure-- we will be enjoying our friends and family to the fullest this season.

Kim

Randomly on a Thursday

1. Bought pinata. Not enough time to make it and treat bags too. What does one put in treat bags for four year olds?

2. Spent the better part of yesterday shopping for the Bumper's birthday party.  She is worth braving department stores during the holiday season. I ran into three people I knew so the trip took longer than expected. Living in a small town this sort of thing is expected, but I don't know that many people.

3. The requests for Christmas are in; The Bumper wants a purple crochet hat with a pink flower (She was very specific), Nana wants a crochet blue hat with a black band and a scarf to match (She was also very specific). My sister and her husband are getting a new stove from us so they are set.

4. I ran out of yarn for my sister's scarf, when I went back to the store to buy more they were out of that brand and dye lot. I thought I bought enough, but I miscalculated when I doubled the length. Her scarf will just have to be ten rows instead of thirteen.

5. Instead of a live Advent wreath I used construction paper to make one and put it on the wall to help us count down to Christmas. The Bumper loves it.

6. Need to make banana bread for the Bumper's class tomorrow. Last year they really liked it. This year new kids, new tastes-- we'll see.

Friday Focus - Books

This is what is on my reading list this week:

1. Vegan Express by Nava Atlas. A sort of you-can-make-it-in thirty-minutes-or-less for the veggie crowd.
2. Better Homes and Gardens October 2014- lots of neat decorating ideas for Autumn
3. National Geographic November 2014- armchair traveling at its best.
4.  I am Malala: The Girl Who Stood Up for Education and Was Shot by the Taliban by Malala Yousafzai - Her story is a good read for those of us who take the right for an education for granted.
5. The Bible- a special focus on Matthew 5:1-12

What are you reading this week?
 
Have a great weekend
I will be trying to finish Nana's scarf this weekend.

Kim

Friday Focus - Parenting

My Bumper is a precious little girl. She is three and a half years old. I am in shock and awe. Sometimes I can hardly believe I  have been a mom that long and other days it seems like I have been a mom forever.

Most parenting books and well meaning advice givers have warned me about the terrible twos and threes, and I have had my share of days where everything is a battle and I collapse into bed with a Thank You God as my only prayer, but what I find often gets overlooked is how delightful this age can be. The Bumper's personality is really starting to develop and it is fascinating to watch!

 She has questions about everything, Why is the sky blue, Can I talk to God in the car? If God is everywhere why do we have to go to church? Why does the boy next door go to a different church than we do? Why are spiderwebs sticky? Do worms have dreams? Why do ducks like the water?

 The Bumper also has opinions on everything: I like to swim. I like to slide on the slide, I don't like cherry flavored medicine its yucky! Clouds are in the sky because God made them that way! Read me the nut brown hare book, but not the weasel book because that gives me bad dreams.

I do my best to answer her questions and many times I am stretched to the limit of my knowledge and patience. When I have those days when my patience and temper fail, I find myself turning to God and the example he gave us in his Son Jesus. Sometimes I take a mommy time out and sit down and read a verse from the Bible, other times though; that opportunity does not present itself until well after the Bumper is in bed, then I pray for the strength to do better the next day.

More often, though, I find that I genuinely like trying to answer her questions and I enjoy watching her try new things. For example we went to the zoo yesterday and for the first time the Bumper led the way to all of the animals she likes, excitedly telling me everything she has learned abut those animals-- Mom did you know buffalo have hair! Mom otters eat fish! I encourage her to test her limits on the things she can safely do and she surprises herself by doing things she thought she couldn't-- like put on her own shoes or reach the tap in the sink to turn off the water. It is in those moments when I realize she is growing up and I am teaching her to be her own person and I am filled with a quiet joy I never expected.

It is an awesome responsibility to be a parent. To love, to teach faith and morals, and the shaping of a person, but I believe that in this moment that is exactly what God has called me to do and with His help the Bumper and I are growing, loving and learning. Do I make mistakes? You betcha! Do I do the best I can each and every day- Yes!

Kim

P.S. I may be a single mom, but I have lots of help-- that is a post for another day!
P.P.S. Why do ducks like the water?


Kim

Saying Good-Bye

View from the front porch

I wanted nothing more than to put my fingers in my ears and hum ( I can't hear you ), when my father in law called me to tell me he would be going up to the house in Northern VA last Saturday.
I had not been all the way in that house since I left to visit my mom in January of 2012. Part of me knew that I needed to go, and try and retrieve some of the Bumper's dad 's things so I can share our story withe her when she gets older. Part of me just wanted to hide under the covers. The part that knows what is best for the Bumper won.

The Bumper's Dad

I went back not really knowing what to expect, but hoping to retrieve our wedding album and a few other personal mementos. My brother-in -law tried to warn me: the house was a mess, and I would most likely be torn between wanting to set a match to everything and wanting to keep it all. He was right.

The Bumper and her Daddy

By the time I arrived, my father-in-law, and my husband's uncle had already been there for two hours. They had packed up the kitchen and most of the living room, and put it on a moving truck to be put in storage and sorted through later.

Taking a dip on our Honeymoon

At first I just sort of wandered about, picking things up reminiscing -- "Oh hey, there is the conch from our vacation in Key West or look there is the travel guide to Hawaii from our honeymoon!", and putting them down "Oh yuck! That is vacuum cleaner we had our last argument over." I actually gave that a kick as I went out the door for the last time, childish I know, but it still felt good. Then I started moving through the rooms with purpose trying to find the items I wanted to keep and later share with the Bumper.  I was unable to find our wedding album, but some of the things I did find surprised me. I did not expect to find the St. Francis of Assisi medal I gave him our second year of "Work Camp" for the diocese of Arlington -- we spent a week guiding teenagers as they made repairs to homes in the area-- that was also the year he proposed, I did not expect to find not only his wedding ring, but also the ring I had got engraved for our 1st wedding anniversary, I had meant for it to be blessed on our 10th anniversary. He sent me mine, while I was staying with the Bumper's Nana the first year we were apart, but he kept his.

Everywhere I turned I was confronted by memories of our life together, good and bad. It was so hard, so very very hard and then I saw the bathroom in the master bedroom. He had scrawled a message of such despair that I dropped to my knees as the sobs tore through me. I cried the way I have been wanting to cry since last November. I cried for the good times we shared, I cried for love lost, I cried for who he was and who he became. It was the first time I broke down that day, but it was not the last. When the emotion finally got too much for me to bear I left, taking the champagne glass from our wedding and with tears streaming down my face. From the house I took his wedding ring, the kilt he wore when we went to Renaissance Festivals, the mortar and pestle we used to grind the cloves for the first pumpkin pie we made together, and his five year sobriety chip from AA. These are the things I want to share with the Bumper for these carry a story of love, joy and triumph.

Toes in the water

As sad as I felt, then and still feel, I was able to close a chapter in my life that day. I said good bye in a way I could not at his bedside in the hospital. On that day it was about forgiveness, and peace. Saturday was about saying goodbye to the life we shared together.

In  time I will tell the Bumper of her Dad and his life. First I will tell her the good things, and when she is old enough and ready to hear, I will tell her the rest. Above all I will make sure to tell her that her Dad loved her and wanted her. For at the heart of this is a story of love and an illness that tried to destroy that love, but in the end did not. 

Belated Ramblings

Early February- a warm day for a walk in the park

Okay wow! I did not realize how much time had passed since my last post. So much has happened!

We have had some crazy weather: snow one day and warm sunshine the next or vice versa! Even as I write this we are preparing for a snowstorm after a mild weekend of being outside in the garden. We have had a series of colds that just kept going and going around the household. First I got sick, then the Bumper, then Nana and round again. the Bumper is finally on the mend and back to her rambunctious self. I may get annoyed at all the mischief she is capable of when she has been indoors too long, but I will take mischief of over sick lethargy any day. ( Although ask me again  in a week and I might change my mind!)

Hello second day of Spring!

The Bumper has loved it all minus the getting sick bits, although I suspect she liked. even that because she got plenty of lap time, story time and cuddles from me and Nana. She especially liked playing in the snow and building her first snowman. The Bumper was quite upset when he melted the next day. On the warm days she got to go for rides in the wheelbarrow while Nana and I cleared the winter debris from the front and backyards. She even got to climb on the  ladder and "help" her Nana clean the gutters. A task that will be much easier the next go around because we finally got rid of our very large pine trees.

Pretty

As for me, well all those shut in days gave me time to indulge my creative side. I have now gotten a very firm start on my new novel, I finished the aprons for my self and the Bumper, I made a shift dress for the Bumper -- it has been lots of fun learning to sew, I crocheted a scarf for my sister, bought my first issues of Simply Crochet magazine, and some lovely new yarn, I officially have a yarn stash, and I have started teaching myself how to knit socks. I totally blame Lucy of Attic 24 (http://attic24.typepad.com) for my renewed vigor with crochet and obsession with all things woolly. She makes it look so easy and she uses such wonderful colors! I am not near that level of proficiency, but my sister liked her scarf so much she requested another one, and Nana commission a hat and scarf set!

The perfect accessory

Mommy's little helper

Like always this kind of weather makes me feel like cooking. I have been experimenting with some yummy vegan recipes and trying to get more healthy options into our diets. The one bad thing about wintery weather is I tend to cook comfort food or bake, and while that is a delight to the senses, it is not so easy on the waist line. Fortunately for me Fridays in Lent give me the perfect excuse to spring vegetarian or vegan dishes on my family.  Spring is a time of new life as the earth wakens from its winter sleep, for me that means a chance re-energize my exercise routine, pick up my pen and various needles (sewing, crochet ant knitting) and because it is Lent; it is a time for me to do some spiritual house cleaning.

Yummy!

Double Yummy!

Blessings,
Kim

Whew! The Holidays Are Over or Dickens Is Rolling In His Grave

I felt like Ebenezer Scrooge this year. It is not that I don't like Christmas, I do  and it is a good thing because my family tends to stretch it out until the middle of January. We start on Christmas Eve and end with the Fiesta for the Infant Jesus of Cebu.

I felt like Scrooge because of the ghosts. I knew this Christmas was going to be difficult with my husband's death shortly before Thanksgiving, but I did not expect to visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present and yet to come.

 When I went to midnight mass I had a hard time concentrating on the service because I kept remembering years past. I remember the year we got engaged and how happy we were, singing "Joyful, Joyful we adore thee," at the top of our lungs because we were bursting with heartfelt joy. Then I remembered last year; we were separated and still angry with one another, but the two of us made time to go "sneaking" (the three of us flattened ourselves against the walls of the sanctuary and scoot around the room) with the Bumper.  It was with a pang I realized that was the first and last time the three of us would ever do that, so in commemoration after Mass I went "sneaking".
On Christmas day we went to a Christmas brunch where the Bumper was showered in gifts, and go to play with some children her own age. Afterwards we went back to Nana's house where the Bumper's paternal grandparents came over and her even more gifts, the Bumper and I have been quite overwhelmed by all this generosity. Yet in the middle of the happiness, I was ill at ease waiting for the moment when the Bumper asked to see her dad. When that moment came, none of us present knew what to say and instead chose the diversionary tactic of a tea party with Grandpa.

As we headed into the New Year, I began to understand that I was going to have to create new holiday traditions with the Bumper, one of those traditions will be visiting with my sister on the day after Christmas, but I am not quite sure how to incorporate all of the Bumper's dad's family. Another new tradition may be opening family gifts on Epiphany.

The next few weeks were taken over by dance practice for the fiesta. The fiesta is a Filipino custom that is part party, part cultural showcase and part religious devotion, and although my family is not Filipino we have been adopted by the community. This was Marie's first year dancing and she did not quite have the hang of all the steps, but she sure had fun! As I watched her my fists instinct was to to share the pictures I took with her dad, but he is no longer there. Instead I have been sharing the pictures with as many friends and relatives as possible.

The Holiday season was good because I was able to connect the Bumper with some of her dad's family, and take pleasure in her delight in everything. Yet at the same time it was hard because I was, and still am, grieving. As I stood in front of the Nativity at our church I thought about that first Christmas so long ago: Mary and Joseph were far away from family and the comforts of home, the were most likely scared and lonely, yet they had faith in God's plan and they persevered. Even the great event of the birth of the Savior was tinged with sorrow. I am comforted by that, knowing it is okay for me to be sad as well joyful. I also have faith in God's plan and I too will persevere.

Blessings,
Kim

Mourning and Peace

After three weeks of sleepless, harrowing nights, when every sound made me start and reach for the phone, the call finally came. At 9:52pm EST on November 25, 2013 I got the call from the hospital telling me the Bumper's dad had passed away. I knew it was coming, and still I was not prepared. In spite of myself I expected him to pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat and pull through. I am still expecting to get a phone call or a text message from him telling me that somehow it was all a mistake. I keep pinching myself to be sure this isn't some kind of deranged nightmare. It is all too real. Yet it is quite surreal, and I am told the way I am feeling is quite normal. I know the people who are telling me this mean to be reassuring, I do not feel reassured. I feel sad, angry, relieved, cold, empty and hurt all at once.

The funeral was Monday December 2, 2013. I did not realize, until it happened to me, how hollow the words people say at funerals seem. I must admit I was in shock then, and the shock has not worn off. Underneath is a vault of tears I have yet to open. I know right now I need to  be strong, for the Bumper, and to get through the legal aftermath. My strength comes from the peace I gained on Sunday November 24, 2013. Let me explain.

On Friday November 22, 2013, the hospital called me and said if I wanted to visit with Matt that the coming weekend would be a good time. This announcement filled me with a quaking dread, I wasn't sure I wanted to see him sick, but the hospital kept saying they were trying everything they could and he was still not responding. Saturday proved to be impossible, so I called the hospital on Sunday morning to check to see if he had improved; he had not, in fact he had gotten worse. The Bumper's dad, the hospital told me, was going into liver failure and his kidneys and pancreas were not far behind. The settled it, off we went. Nana, the Bumper, and I drove the six hours to the hospital where the Bumper's dad was being treated.
I had been warned about what to expect when I got to the Medical Intensive Care Unit. I had been told he could not speak, and was in and out of consciousness. On the drive down I wrote him a letter of all the things I wanted to say to him: how I felt about the verbal abuse, the separation, the custody agreement, his illness, everything. I had been warned. I thought I was prepared. I wasn't

The Bumper's dad lay in a bed swollen and jaundiced -- he was the color of a dirty yellow tennis ball, where the whites of his eyes should have been were filled in with blood, and he could do barely more than moan. There was however light in his eyes, his mind was still there, trapped in a body that was slowly failing, I could see his pain and distress I immediately went to him and grasped one of his hands with mine, and placed my other hand on his chest where I could feel his rapid heartbeat. All I had written, except the last two lines, seemed pointless. I knew what I had to say and I said it.

"I forgive you," I said, "I forgive you for the past eighteen month and for everything that led to our separation."

The Bumper's dad closed his eyes, and sighed, his heartbeat slowed and when he reopened his eyes there was a calm and peace that was not there before. Not willing to simply leave it at that I asked him to forgive me if I had in anyway harmed him. The Bumper's did lightly squeezed my hand and I took that for absolution. Peace settled upon the both of us and we were at ease with one another again,
For the next three hours we stayed with our hands together. We reminisced as best we could about the good times we had shared,. I sang him all of his favorite hymns and a few of our favourite songs. A news story came on about the town where we got engaged and the Bumper's dad shook his body as best he could to point it out to me. I am also confident he made his peace with God because he allowed the hospital chaplain to pray with us and when I asked if he wanted a priest to come and give him the sacrament of the anointing of the sick, he gave me a thumb up. I sat with him until the anaesthesiologist came to begin the last treatment the hospital was going to try. Before I left the room I leaned over and one last time told him I had forgiven him, whispered 'I love you' and reminded him of God's love for him. I refused to say good bye instead I said:

"Fare the well, be at peace and if you need to go, rest assured that I will do my best to let the Bumper know how much her dad loved her."

We did not get back home until two in the morning on Monday. At 7:00pm the hospital called and a teleconference was held with the rest of the family (I was unable to go back to the hospital because of the distance), The treatment they had tried the night before was not working, and the hospital had run out of things to try except to make him comfortable. We agreed to let nature take its course and later that night I got the final call.

I will always be grateful that God gave me the chance to reconcile with the Bumper's dad. I am glad I took the chance when it was offered. I can now look my daughter in the eye and share the good things about him without bitterness or feeling false. I cam mourn with out guilt. I take comfort in the look of peace the Bumper's dad had on his face when I left him that night. The tears will come, but for now Peace sustains me.

Blessings,
Kim

Random Thoughts on Faith

I don't often write about my faith, but today that is what I feel like doing. I consider myself a Christian, yet I don't go around quoting the Bible, I don't admonish the Bumper by citing parables, I don't listen to only "Christian" music, and I don't think I have ever asked anyone if they were saved.

I do however pray. I hit my knees, most days, in the morning and in the evening. Sometimes, the only prayer I utter is in the shower and goes something like: "God please just help me get through the day." Other times the only thing I can mange is a quick thank you just before I tumble into bed.

For me being a Christian is about trying, to the best of my ability, to live the Gospel with my life, to follow Christ and to do what the Lord asks of me.

I like what Thomas Merton has to say about this.

I feel like this prayer is very appropriate for what I am going through with the Bumper's Dad right now. His condition is getting worse and I am at a loss.

Blessings,
Kim

Thomas Merton's Prayer

 of Abandonment

 

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.

 

I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.

 

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

 

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.

 

And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road although I may know nothing about it.

 

Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death, I will not fear, for you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.