Friday Focus - Books

As usual I have more than one book on my nightstand. This month it has been a mix of devotionals, non-fiction, and book club choices.  Since the first day of spring is cold and rainy, it gives me the perfect excuse to cuddle up with a pile of books and read (At least until the Bumper comes home from school).

1. Beside Still Waters is a monthly Bible devotional that I have been reading during Lent. It has the days readings on the top of the page and a short one page application story. This has helped me in taking that extra time out to spend with the Lord each day.

2. Falling Upwards: How we took to the Air by Richard Holmes charts the development of hot air balloons from the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries.  Since I generally like history I am enjoying this, but I am really interested in the technical aspect for my next novel.

3.Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty this was my book club's pick for the month of March. It starts out as telling the rather banal stories of upper middle class housewives, but turns into a riveting exploration of infidelity and domestic violence.

4.  Quinine: Malaria and the Quest for a Cure that Changed the World by Fiammetta Rocco. I had never before realized the importance of the tiny little pill we took as a matter of course in the Peace Corps. This is worth a read for both students of history and medicine.

Happy Reading and Happy Week End
Kim

Looking Back and Looking Ahead

My heart is aching today. It has been a year since the Bumper's dad died. This past year has both flown by and passed agonizingly slowly. Last year on this date I was in shock. I was numb that day and for many days thereafter. I was fortunate that I took the chance to make amends and make peace. There are many others who never get to do so.

I still have nightmares, and sleepless nights. There are still times when I close my eyes and I see him as he lay in his hosptial bed. Sometimes I am tormented by the what ifs and if onlys. Every so often a song, a smell, or a place will bring back memories that shake me to the core and nearly bring me to my knees. I am told this will get better with time, but right now I still hurt.

What makes this even harder is the Bumper. I tried as much as I could to shield her from all that happened last November, but she remembers more than I gave her credit for. She asks about him now, she doesn't understand why she can not go visit him with God nor why Goad does not send her daddy back to her. I have no answers to those questions, save only to say I don't know, but God does and we must trust Him even when we do not understand or are angry and in pain. We (the Bumper and I) lit candles for him at church on his birthday, our wedding anniversary, Father's day, and All Souls day. She likes to tell her classmates her daddy is in the clouds with God. I do not dissuade her.

Everyday it gets a little easier. I have our daughter to raise, to enjoy and to spend time with. I am unable to answer all of her questions just yet, but she seems content with my honest responses. As she gets older we will continue to have this conversation, and her questions will get harder, and she will not always like my answers, but we have each other and in the meantime we will keep living the life God has given us the best we can-- as a family.

Today I am sad and that is okay. I will not always be this sad and the holidays won't always be this painful. The Bumper and I have much to look forward to. There are many firsts to explore and many new discoveries to be made, but the past and the future will both have to wait, because I right now I have a sick Bumper to tend to for that too is part of life and the joy I have at seeing her well eclipses all else.

I've Not Gone Away

I've not gone away or decided to stop blogging, or anything like that. I have been busying writing on my novel, crocheting-- did finish Nan's scarf but no decent photos yet--, still struggling with the sock of doom as I have now decided to call it, and doing various other things to keep my mind off of the time of year.

I am alternately really productive or I am sad and listless, becoming overwhelmed with memories both good and bad from this time last year.

I am attempting to organize myself -- an ongoing process-- and I hope to resume menu planning next week. The Bumper, Nana, and I all eat better when I plan,it has just taken me awhile to realize that. I guess I feel like a bad mom because I can't just stand in front of the pantry come suppertime and work out something nutritious, vegan( but convertible to omnivore for the Bumper and Nana), and yummy for all on the spur of the moment. I know that is silly, but it is how I feel nonetheless.

The first frost is scheduled for tonight so Nan's garden is officially done for the year. In the meantime the Bumper and I have been taking advantage of the warm weather to go to the park everyday.

I am going to attempt to make apple butter this weekend. Wish me luck!

Have a good weekend

Kim

A Moment of Silence Please

Nearly two weeks ago the shootings in Ottawa, ON and Seattle WA took place and dominated the headlines, but because November mid-term elections were coming up, the tragic got turned into the political and then forgotten.  Since All Saints day and All Souls day was this weekend I want to draw attention to the lives lost and the families shattered. Every life is important and everyone was someone's child once. Bethany over at The Apple Cider Mill said it better than I, so I am going to redirect you to her wonderful post:  http://applecidermama.blogspot.com/2014/10/not-disposable-response-to-marysville.html

Kim

Saying Good-Bye

View from the front porch

I wanted nothing more than to put my fingers in my ears and hum ( I can't hear you ), when my father in law called me to tell me he would be going up to the house in Northern VA last Saturday.
I had not been all the way in that house since I left to visit my mom in January of 2012. Part of me knew that I needed to go, and try and retrieve some of the Bumper's dad 's things so I can share our story withe her when she gets older. Part of me just wanted to hide under the covers. The part that knows what is best for the Bumper won.

The Bumper's Dad

I went back not really knowing what to expect, but hoping to retrieve our wedding album and a few other personal mementos. My brother-in -law tried to warn me: the house was a mess, and I would most likely be torn between wanting to set a match to everything and wanting to keep it all. He was right.

The Bumper and her Daddy

By the time I arrived, my father-in-law, and my husband's uncle had already been there for two hours. They had packed up the kitchen and most of the living room, and put it on a moving truck to be put in storage and sorted through later.

Taking a dip on our Honeymoon

At first I just sort of wandered about, picking things up reminiscing -- "Oh hey, there is the conch from our vacation in Key West or look there is the travel guide to Hawaii from our honeymoon!", and putting them down "Oh yuck! That is vacuum cleaner we had our last argument over." I actually gave that a kick as I went out the door for the last time, childish I know, but it still felt good. Then I started moving through the rooms with purpose trying to find the items I wanted to keep and later share with the Bumper.  I was unable to find our wedding album, but some of the things I did find surprised me. I did not expect to find the St. Francis of Assisi medal I gave him our second year of "Work Camp" for the diocese of Arlington -- we spent a week guiding teenagers as they made repairs to homes in the area-- that was also the year he proposed, I did not expect to find not only his wedding ring, but also the ring I had got engraved for our 1st wedding anniversary, I had meant for it to be blessed on our 10th anniversary. He sent me mine, while I was staying with the Bumper's Nana the first year we were apart, but he kept his.

Everywhere I turned I was confronted by memories of our life together, good and bad. It was so hard, so very very hard and then I saw the bathroom in the master bedroom. He had scrawled a message of such despair that I dropped to my knees as the sobs tore through me. I cried the way I have been wanting to cry since last November. I cried for the good times we shared, I cried for love lost, I cried for who he was and who he became. It was the first time I broke down that day, but it was not the last. When the emotion finally got too much for me to bear I left, taking the champagne glass from our wedding and with tears streaming down my face. From the house I took his wedding ring, the kilt he wore when we went to Renaissance Festivals, the mortar and pestle we used to grind the cloves for the first pumpkin pie we made together, and his five year sobriety chip from AA. These are the things I want to share with the Bumper for these carry a story of love, joy and triumph.

Toes in the water

As sad as I felt, then and still feel, I was able to close a chapter in my life that day. I said good bye in a way I could not at his bedside in the hospital. On that day it was about forgiveness, and peace. Saturday was about saying goodbye to the life we shared together.

In  time I will tell the Bumper of her Dad and his life. First I will tell her the good things, and when she is old enough and ready to hear, I will tell her the rest. Above all I will make sure to tell her that her Dad loved her and wanted her. For at the heart of this is a story of love and an illness that tried to destroy that love, but in the end did not. 

Mourning and Peace

After three weeks of sleepless, harrowing nights, when every sound made me start and reach for the phone, the call finally came. At 9:52pm EST on November 25, 2013 I got the call from the hospital telling me the Bumper's dad had passed away. I knew it was coming, and still I was not prepared. In spite of myself I expected him to pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat and pull through. I am still expecting to get a phone call or a text message from him telling me that somehow it was all a mistake. I keep pinching myself to be sure this isn't some kind of deranged nightmare. It is all too real. Yet it is quite surreal, and I am told the way I am feeling is quite normal. I know the people who are telling me this mean to be reassuring, I do not feel reassured. I feel sad, angry, relieved, cold, empty and hurt all at once.

The funeral was Monday December 2, 2013. I did not realize, until it happened to me, how hollow the words people say at funerals seem. I must admit I was in shock then, and the shock has not worn off. Underneath is a vault of tears I have yet to open. I know right now I need to  be strong, for the Bumper, and to get through the legal aftermath. My strength comes from the peace I gained on Sunday November 24, 2013. Let me explain.

On Friday November 22, 2013, the hospital called me and said if I wanted to visit with Matt that the coming weekend would be a good time. This announcement filled me with a quaking dread, I wasn't sure I wanted to see him sick, but the hospital kept saying they were trying everything they could and he was still not responding. Saturday proved to be impossible, so I called the hospital on Sunday morning to check to see if he had improved; he had not, in fact he had gotten worse. The Bumper's dad, the hospital told me, was going into liver failure and his kidneys and pancreas were not far behind. The settled it, off we went. Nana, the Bumper, and I drove the six hours to the hospital where the Bumper's dad was being treated.
I had been warned about what to expect when I got to the Medical Intensive Care Unit. I had been told he could not speak, and was in and out of consciousness. On the drive down I wrote him a letter of all the things I wanted to say to him: how I felt about the verbal abuse, the separation, the custody agreement, his illness, everything. I had been warned. I thought I was prepared. I wasn't

The Bumper's dad lay in a bed swollen and jaundiced -- he was the color of a dirty yellow tennis ball, where the whites of his eyes should have been were filled in with blood, and he could do barely more than moan. There was however light in his eyes, his mind was still there, trapped in a body that was slowly failing, I could see his pain and distress I immediately went to him and grasped one of his hands with mine, and placed my other hand on his chest where I could feel his rapid heartbeat. All I had written, except the last two lines, seemed pointless. I knew what I had to say and I said it.

"I forgive you," I said, "I forgive you for the past eighteen month and for everything that led to our separation."

The Bumper's dad closed his eyes, and sighed, his heartbeat slowed and when he reopened his eyes there was a calm and peace that was not there before. Not willing to simply leave it at that I asked him to forgive me if I had in anyway harmed him. The Bumper's did lightly squeezed my hand and I took that for absolution. Peace settled upon the both of us and we were at ease with one another again,
For the next three hours we stayed with our hands together. We reminisced as best we could about the good times we had shared,. I sang him all of his favorite hymns and a few of our favourite songs. A news story came on about the town where we got engaged and the Bumper's dad shook his body as best he could to point it out to me. I am also confident he made his peace with God because he allowed the hospital chaplain to pray with us and when I asked if he wanted a priest to come and give him the sacrament of the anointing of the sick, he gave me a thumb up. I sat with him until the anaesthesiologist came to begin the last treatment the hospital was going to try. Before I left the room I leaned over and one last time told him I had forgiven him, whispered 'I love you' and reminded him of God's love for him. I refused to say good bye instead I said:

"Fare the well, be at peace and if you need to go, rest assured that I will do my best to let the Bumper know how much her dad loved her."

We did not get back home until two in the morning on Monday. At 7:00pm the hospital called and a teleconference was held with the rest of the family (I was unable to go back to the hospital because of the distance), The treatment they had tried the night before was not working, and the hospital had run out of things to try except to make him comfortable. We agreed to let nature take its course and later that night I got the final call.

I will always be grateful that God gave me the chance to reconcile with the Bumper's dad. I am glad I took the chance when it was offered. I can now look my daughter in the eye and share the good things about him without bitterness or feeling false. I cam mourn with out guilt. I take comfort in the look of peace the Bumper's dad had on his face when I left him that night. The tears will come, but for now Peace sustains me.

Blessings,
Kim

Faith, Trust and Carrying On

Warning: If you are expecting a happy carefree post about homemaking, crafts, or Christian living turn back now.

I am not in a happy place right now. I am in a faith filled place, I am in a grateful place, but it is not a happy place. It is more like an angry, grief stricken, shock-y, this is not really happening to me place.
I debated about blogging this, but I know I am not the only person in this situation and sometimes writing out my feelings helps me sort through them.

On Friday, November 8, 2013 at 4:00 in the morning I got one those calls. The ones that only come in the middle of the night or early morning and come with terrible news. A hospital called  asking for my  permission to treat the Bumper's dad because he had ingested Tylenol, aspirin, and rat poison. My first thought was why would anyone over the age of three mistakenly eat rat poison
then came the realization. The Bumper's dad had tried to commit suicide.
Oh.
Dear.
God.
He is now in the hospital's ICU. He has not regained consciousness, he is not responding to external pain stimuli, he is on a respirator, I have been told there is some brain activity.  The doctors have thus far been unwilling, or unable to give me a prognosis-- they do not know if  he will recover or when. It could take up to thirty days for the poison to leave his body. Thirty days of uncertainty. Thirty days for me to deal with my pain, anger and grief.

Even with everything that had passed between us, with the verbal abuse, I  was still cognizant that this was someone I had once loved enough to marry and have a child with. So I feel betrayed--again.
It hurts to know that he was in so much pain that he thought dying was better than living. Then I get angry, because he kept telling me how much he loved his daughter and all I can think is : Well if you loved her so much, why did you do this to yourself? What about the Bumper? What do I tell her? Best case scenario is he recovers fully and this incident never gets mentioned.  Other options include having to explain to her why he chose to end his life, or why he is so incapacitated that he can not be a father to her. For there are things worse than death.

For example as the legal spouse I have medical power of attorney by default, so I may be called upon to make end of life decisions for someone who should still be in his prime. At the risk of sounding completely selfish: I am so not prepared for this. I do not understand this. Someone said to me recently, after I had explained the situation that many people in my position might have committed suicide themselves or at the very least dived headfirst into a bottle. Neither is an option for me.
Firstly I believe my life is a gift from God and I do not have the right to take it and secondly I am the Bumper's mother. I love her and she needs me. How could I abandon her? As to diving into the bottle-- I will have five years sobriety this November and I am not going to lose that. Anyway it would not do any good, because I certainly would not be able to take care of the Bumper in a drunken stupor and hangovers are a pain.

 So what am I doing? How have I gotten through the last few days without going completely insane?
I have relied on God. I have prayed. I have put my trust in the Lord. It has not been easy. I have read the Bible and called friends to have them pray with me. It helps, but only so much because I am still very human. I get up, I make breakfast, I go through our daily routine. I give and accept hugs from the Bumper. I smile with her as she points out with childish delight the trees arrayed on scarlet and gold. I laugh when a much anticipated rain shower does not produce the lovely splashing puddles she so wanted to jump in.

In the midst of sorrow life still goes on. I am praying for those in the Philippines affected by the Typhoon and grateful my friends are safe. I am trying to look beyond what is going on in my life and reach out to others. I am simply carrying on.

Blessings,
Kim

Lazy Days

The Bumper has had so much fun this past week. She has had her favorite babysitter over every single day. They have gone to the park, played with her blocks, colored, played in the back yard, chased each other around the house and generally done all the things kids should do on summer break.
I have been using this time to put out resumes and write, or at least that is what I had planned to do. Ah! planning, when will I ever learn? The Bumper's babysitter is only 14yrs old. I had forgotten what it was like being 14. I had also forgotten that 14yr old boys also need to be taken care of. Throw a bored younger brother into the mix, and it all adds up to a busy week for me, because instead of one child I had three! So in reality I wrote one short story and have almost completed one job application. The rest of the time I have been playing referee.
Yesterday we went to see the Bumper's dad. He is doing much better. He can speak reasonably clearly now, although his voice still sounds hollow and far away. The Bumper was able to play hide and seek with him. She did all the hiding and seeking, but he was able to count to ten, for her. The Bumper took delight in being strong enough to push him down the hallway in his wheelchair. These visits are a bit of a trial for me because I am waiting for the nastiness ( the form of accusations an ride comments from him) to begin again. Yet, I am glad the visits give the Bumper such pleasure.

I have decided to go back to being a vegetarian with the goal of being vegan for a while. My body feels so much better when I eat that way. Tomorrow I will be trying to come up with something healthy and delicious and vegan for a party I am going to. The Bumper's babysitter has already requested vegan snicker doodles, I wonder what else I can come up with?

Blessings,

Kim