So Sweet

The capacity of my daughter to show compassion at such a young age simply astounds me. She is busy trying to to rescue a kitten caught in the bushes. It is moments like this that remind me she watches EVERYTHING I do, even when I do not think she is looking. I struggle with keeping my temper, smiling and generally patient and cheerful given all that I am going through right now. In the times I think I have failed miserably, God gives me this little snippet of childish joy and I know I can carry on.
God Bless
Kim

Lost and Found

I finally have a new memory card for my camera and I hope to be adding pictures to my blog soon.
I will be attending a vigil for the victims of domestic violence on Wednesday.
I am enjoying the unusually warm Autumn weather and have been taking the Bumper to the park nearly every day. She just loves to be out doors, and I love to be out doors with her.
I promise I will finish my crochet project Someday:).
I am taking a computer class, going through a separation, and possible divorce, trying to deepen my faith, make time for prayer, become a better mother, homemaker, writer, and find a way to earn a living so I can support myself and my daughter. WHEW! I am tired.
What do I do when I am tired? I rest in HIM. God be praised.!
Have a lovely Sunday.
Kim

Holding Up my Head

A Moment of Silence.-- Can Kill.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

http://www.thehotline.org/

1-800-799-SAFE

If you think you are in an emotionally, verbally, sexually, or physically abusive relationship, don't wait, check out the above website.

I am fortunate I had family willing not only to believe my story, but to take me in, others are not so lucky.

If you think someone you know is in an abusive relationship SPEAK UP!

"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self discipline." 2 Tim 1:7.

Slow Going

A few weeks ago I posted a picture of my soon to be completed crochet project. I had high hopes of finishing it in short order, well as they say "the best laid plans..". Ahem! Sewing the project is proving more difficult than I thought.

Oh well, I shall keep at until it is done!

In other news, the Bumper has decided she would like to use the potty. She isn't quite ready yet, but I figure it will not hurt to let her try. If any mom's out there can give me some advice I would not be adverse to hearing it.

Today I purchased a potty seat and the Bumper walked around holding it for about a half an hour saying "mine!" She tried it out and loved it.  She sat on it smiling and singing to herself, but she didn't actually go to bathroom. I know when she is ready it will happen and I can't rush the process. Just like with crochet.

Sneak Peek

Nearly Done!

Sticks and Stones

" Stick and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

 I learned this adage as a child, but it is not true. Words do hurt. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. The nasty comments, the slurs, the curses these stay with me a lot longer than the compliments.

I had been hopeful that things might be looking up for M and I, but we have settle back into our old pattern of hurled insults and tears : him with the insults and me with the tears.

Last Saturday I took the Bumper up to see M. We met in a neutral location- his church. I took the Bumper to him, no sooner than we had arrived he shoved a piece of paper that would have made changes to out visitation agreement under my nose and ordered me to sign. I have made it a long standing practice never to sign anything without reading it, so I refused. He went into a rage and and started yelling at me and telling me how untrustworthy I was and he wouldn't have to do this if I didn't lie to him all the time. M then proceeded to curse and call my mother the "N" word because she was waiting out side in the car. I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. We were in public, there were lots of people around and he still felt free to verbally attack me. I did the only thing I could I left.

Three days later I am still reeling. I keep wondering if his accusations are true, if I really am a bad mother, and a horrible person. Self-doubt and worry crowd out all other thoughts. Yet I  put my faith and trust in the Lord and I take comfort in Psalm 37.

There are days when I wonder if all this pain and turmoil is worth it, then I see the Bumper smile and greet her Nana with a hug, I watch her play with the backyard kittens, and squeal with delight when she gets ready for her bath, and I know God wants me to stay right where I am.

Blessings

Ten things I am grateful for today:

1. God's love and mercy.
2. The Bumper.
3. Forgiving someone so the hurt doesn't fester and poison my spirit.
4. Trying on my very first Plain Dress
5. Learning sew (sewed my first seam two weeks ago -- no I did not make the Plain Dress).
6. My crochet project which I hope to share soon.
7. Plenty to eat, clean water to drink, clothes to wear, a roof over my head  and plenty of food to eat.
8. Hot summer days as an excuse to suck on ice chips.
9. Being Alive -- I had a friend pass away last month.
10. Hearing The Bumper say : NO and MINE!

Sometimes I need to take the time to count my blessings, especiall when I am feeling down.

Shenendoah Fiber Festival

Shh-- I have a guilty secret, which I will reveal at the end of this post. Last Fall my mother and I took the Bumper to the Shenandoah Fiber Festival. We has so much fun! I thoroughly enjoyed looking at all the pretty dyed woolens (alpaca, goat and sheep). So many wonderful colors:

 Those deep blues and purples make me feel calm and relaxed and they do my heart good.

These yarns were dyed using all natural plant material. I got see the whole process from vats of fleece to spinning, dyeing and final product. I went quite gaga and drooly over the whole thing. The Bumper liked looking at the animals, she thought the two-humped camel was especially funny.

My Mom enjoyed her granddaughter.

My guilty secret?
 I have totally fallen in love with crochet! Bring on the crafty, yarn goodness!!

I am making the Bumper a crochet Christmas stocking which I will reveal soon.
Lots of love and God Bless.
Kim

"Me Time"

As a new mother ( although given Bumper is 17month I feel like a veteran) time to myself is practically non-existent. I used to find time for myself in the shower, but Bumper has decided to join me more often than not.( i take the opportunity to explain that mama takes a bath just like Bumper does) I used to go to the bathroom by myself, but the Bumper has decided to join me more often than not. (I, through gritted teeth, tell her someday she will be a big girl and use the potty like mama) I used to have early morning prayer - journal- blog time but--Hey wait I am doing that now *YAY* 15 stolen minutes that are mine all mine BWHAHAH!
In all seriousness I have discovered the need to refresh and renew each day; whether that is a snatched moment of silent prayer early in the morning, or taking Bumper on a walk so she will fall asleep in her stroller, or reading after she has gone to bed for the night.
When I take these moments I can then be more present for my little one. I can be patient, gentle, kind and understanding... at least most of the time.

Ten Things I am Grateful For Today

1.God's Love
2. My daughter "the Bumper"
3. Family willing to take me in
4. Bible devotions
5. Warm sunshine.
6. Food to eat.
7. Clean water to drink.
8. Clean clothes to wear.
9. The ability to smile and laugh.
10. A cozy bed t sleep in tonight.

I am blessed and God is good.

Kim

Thoughts on Love and Marriage

 M and I are redefining our relationship. Right now we are in a separation. We both have a lot of things we need to work through. Our relationship has been severely damaged. I left because I couldn't stand being abused verbally and emotionally. I know there are some in the Christian community who would say I have not given our marriage a chance, and that I should stay with my husband. This is something I struggle with daily. I wanted so much to be a Titus 2 woman, a Proverbs 31 wife and a keeper at home. I often second guess myself, but at the same time I know God did not create marriage for suffering and abuse. A marriage should be joyful -- not always happy -- but always loving. I believe in Biblical headship, I wanted my husband to be the head of our family and to lead us in prayer and faith and worship. BUT that is not the man I married. In my experience he asked for servility not submission, humiliation rather than humility. He even began to use my faith against me. I have my faults, make no mistake, I am a sinner redeemed by Christ and that does not mean I will not continue to stumble and fall during my walk with him. I take heart from second Timothy: 1:7.

A Random Act of Kindness

Yesterday my mom and I took the Bumper to see her pediatrician in Virgina. I t was a three hour drive and the poor little mite got carsick. She upchucked all of the nice hearty breakfast she'd eaten.  So there we were frantically trying to soothe, calm, and clean a frightened little girl on someones front lawn, when the owner of the house drove up. Instead of getting angry that a couple of strangers were changing a baby's diaper in front of her house, she offered to help! The woman asked if we were okay and did we need anything like water or towels. We said no, but we were very happy to have been asked. The kindness of strangers: who knew? That chance encounter set the tone for the rest of the day. The Bumper was fine by the time we got to the doctor's, she got to see M and thoroughly enjoyed being the center of attention for four adults. Sometimes it only takes a small thing to restore faith.

Kim

A Reason to Smile

Yesterday afternoon the Bumper and I went to the local zoo. The unusually warm late February weather beckoned us forth and out we went. We strolled in the sunshine and the Bumper chased geese, squawked at Flamingos and generally enjoyed herself. I was such fun to to watch her reaction to each of the new animals she came across. My one regret is I forgot to bring my camera.
She is my joy, and delight. I am truly blessed to be her mother.

Kim

Shrove Tuesday

This was my first time attending a Shrove Tuesday pancake supper. My parish didn't offer confession, but I made a private one in prayer this morning. The Bumper had so much fun!. The Bumper got to try waffles for the first time, and her little eyes went wide with delight (She was so cute making her little mmm sounds). The best part of the evening for me was watching her chase balloons and dance to the music they had playing in the church hall. Tomorrow the season of prayer, penance and alms giving begins. Tonight I am asking God to prepare my heart this Lenten season, so that I may rejoice come Easter tide.

Kim

Fear and Faith

Love shouldn't hurt. A person should never be afraid of his or her spouse. Well my husband has never hit me, but he has hurt me. He has made me feel small and unimportant. He has made me feel incompetent. The kicker is: I LET HIM!
I trusted him with my innermost thoughts, and feelings, and he turned them against me. I am trying to recover, but it is so very hard and I am scared. I am so fearful that I am unable to sleep at night. I am still very much afraid of my husband. My reaction to him at this weekend's visit showed me how much of my power I have given away.
When he left after visiting with our daughter, I was shaking and crying. He got so very angry at such a simple thing. He threw her stuff on the ground and called me a liar before getting into his car and driving away.
These are not the actions of a Christ centered man. I do not want my daughter growing up thinking that abusive behaviour is normal.

Valentines Day

For all you you who have someone to love:

Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, Son , Daughter, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Friends Sweethearts, Husbands, and Wives. Cherish them each and every day. God Loves You.

For all of you who think you are alone: God Loves You Too.

Happy Valentines Day

Kim

One Day at a Time.

I had a good cry today. I just let it all out and sobbed until my throat was raw. The poor little bumper did not like seeing her mama so upset, and she tried to give me a hug. When I felt better I was able to take her for a walk in the backyard at my mother's place. The bumper had such fun chasing all the stray cats! Tonight I am going to pray for peace. I know God will show me what to do, but I need to be willing to listen.

Strange but True

I went to my first Domestic Violence group therapy session tonight. I felt so awkward and strange. I nearly burst into tears at hearing my story come out of the mouths of the other women there. Similar to 12step programs there is a camaraderie that forms out of having the same kind of experiences. I know two things for sure: I have been the victim of verbal abuse and I am not alone.

Speaking my Truth

When I started this blog I had high hopes of writing of the ordinary joys and sorrows of middle –class homemaker. I envisioned posts about writing poetry, my growing baby girl, my crafts and hobbies, baking, housekeeping, and my walk with Jesus. However I have found my self in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. I still want to blog, but I have to be truthful. My entries may be painful to write, and painful to read, but they will be real.

I hope by sharing my experience I can be of service to others in similar situations.

Yours in Christ
Kim

One Day

In one day a life can change forever.