Tempus Fugit

Blossoms

Here we are and it is almost Spring and looking back I see I haven't blogged since the Summer. Well my friends it has been a long hard winter. I, like so many of my countrymen, got consumed by the Presidential Election back in November. I was disappointed in the results, not because the candidate I favored lost, but because a candidate, to my mind, who represented the worst we are as a country won. I had hoped we might have been turning a corner in race relations, and protections for those who have suffered abuse. It hurt to see a candidate who espoused bigotry, and misogyny come to the fore It hurt as a survivor of abuse to see an abuser take the highest office in the land. It hurt as an immigrant to see someone soon to be our leader calling for border walls and advocating the separation of families. It hurt as the widow of someone who had a 'preexisting' condition to see a person who wanted to go back to the way things were in healthcare be put in charge.Unfortunately that is where we are as a country. I spent a lot of the winter angry, frustrated and hurt. I couldn't understand how so many of Christian friends and neighbors could have voted for someone who seemed to be the antithesis of Christian values. Along the way something happened I started putting my anger to use. I attended a protest for the first time in my life. I started emailing and calling my representatives in Congress and I got down on my knees and prayed. I didn't pray for things to turn out the way I wanted; but I did pray for what I needed to do. I put everything back in God's hands and stopped trying to wrest the control away from Him. I live in a country that despite its flaws, still allows me to speak freely. I have learned to take extra care with my speech so my words are a reflection of my faith. I have learned to take extra care with my actions so they too are a reflection of my faith.

Winter is almost over. Spring is coming and I have a bunch of projects, books, and travels I want to share with you. I have many of the Bumper's adventure's I want to share with you. I have missed blogging. I am glad to be back.

Meatless Monday: Breathing space and Frontyard Gardens

Butterfly enjoying our marigolds

I try to keep the tone of this Blog light and homey. I talk about crafts, cooking, writing, reading and of course The Bumper. With what has been going on in this country lately, those kinds of things just didn't seem very important. What is the point of chatting about flowers, or how many beans we have been picking (a lot!), the progress made on my latest pair of socks, or crochet project; when we have two shootings of un-armed Black men in a week, the retaliatory killings of police officers who were just trying to do their jobs, yet another un-armed Black man shot by a police officer this week, and hateful, fearing mongering political rhetoric on the parts of the candidates for the highest office in the United States.

I wanted to cry out: "Where are you God?!" It seemed like He was very far away. I almost decided to give up blogging.  Then I read a note from a friend of mine's mother "We can rest assured that nothing is happening God did not allow, even though we may not understand." Okay slow down take a deep breath the world is not coming to and our country is not going down the tubes, in spite of what sensationalized media stories and self serving politicians would have me believe. Please note I am not being dismissive of those in true need. I am not saying I am going to bury my head in the sand about issues I feel strongly about and simply say "God's in charge and I don't have to do anything." I am saying that being overly fearful and anxious is counter productive. I am saying I am not going to let negativity depress me. I am saying will I will continue to blog about my family, crafts etc because these things are important to me and bring me joy.  I will continue to to blog about these things to be a place of thoughtfulness, rest, calm, comfort and encouragement in a media world dominated by the sensational, cruel and vapid.

We are leaving for vacation to Vancouver British Columbia Canada on Thursday. I hope to have some great pictures and stories to share.

The cherry tomatoes do not stand a chance!

In the meantime this Meatless Monday is all about the front yard garden We started a front yard garden last summer and have continued it this year. We are growing tomatoes, peppers, eggplant right along our front walkway. It so fun and easy to pick things as they ripen on our way back inside the house after a long day or even first thing in the morning after checking the mail and fetching the newspaper. The Bumper loves to eat cherry tomatoes, as soon as she picks them.  I love sneaking her vegetables in on her this way! I highly recommend front yard gardening who says walkways are only reserved for flowers?

p.s. Expect another post on canning tomatoes and pepper relish this year!

Peace,
Kim

One Worry Down

Real life has caught up with me once again. We had two weeks of really wintry weather. I took lots of pictures, including the Bumper sledding, making snow angles and just generally having fun, but we also had two weeks off of school. I love the Bumper, and she loves me, however two solid weeks with nobody but myself and Nana for company (Nana was gone last week dog sitting for my sister); we were starting to get on each others nerves. So by the time last Saturday rolled around we were more than ready for the diversion created by her cousin's birthday.

I stuffed the Bumper in the car, after giving her some medicine for motion sickness, and we drove the two hours to Baltimore. When we arrived the Bumper proudly announced that she made the whole trip without throwing up. I think I was more relived than she, because I have no idea how I would have managed that scenario. The Bumper had a rollicking good time, at her cousin's robot themed party. There were about twenty kids ages 6 to 2years there and the Bumper ran, climbed, jumped and  plastic sword fought with the best of the. The little boys, her cousin included, thought the was great; the little girls  couldn't understand why she did not want to play princess with them. I can explain that easily: after a two hour car ride the last thing the Bumper was interested in was sitting still and drinking pretend tea. The hardest part of the day came when it was time to leave, the Bumper and her cousin had grown quite attached to one another and did not want to part company. The struggle ended with her uncle carrying her to the front porch. In spite of all her vigorous protesting she fell asleep a mere fifteen minutes into the drive home.

We traveled back up in Baltimore this past Monday for the Bumper's second  appointment at Johns Hopkins hospital. The first time we went was back in January to see a pediatric hepatologist. I wanted to know if the Bumper had inherited or would develop the disease from which her Dad suffered. The first doctor told us he couldn't really tell us anything, he did ,however; order a urinalysis and referred us to the genetics department. It was disappointing to be sure, but not totally unexpected. On Monday we had our appointment with the genetics counselors and with the geneticist. After discussing our family medical history, meeting and examining the Bumper, and reviewing the lab results they gave us their conclusion: While they can not rule it out completely, the Bumper is at very low risk ( a 99.5% chances that she will NOT) for developing Wilson's disease. I did not entirely belive it until I watched the doctor's face as she was reading the lab results-- her face relaxed and she smiled.

My body relaxed with a release of tension I did not even realize until that moment I had been holding. The specter of Wilson's disease had haunted me from the moment of the Bumper's conception. Her dad and I even sought out a pediatrician in Northern VA who knew something of the disease. It was on that pediatrician's recommendation that I had been taking the Bumper to get her blood drawn and her copper levels tested yearly, but even he recommended the genetics counseling ha I was unable to follow through on until this year.  My prayers Monday night consisted of only three words: Thank you Lord.

The relief I feel is so profound, and all I can do is be very grateful.

Kim
p.s. I know the Bumper's dad would be grateful too.

Looking Back and Looking Ahead

My heart is aching today. It has been a year since the Bumper's dad died. This past year has both flown by and passed agonizingly slowly. Last year on this date I was in shock. I was numb that day and for many days thereafter. I was fortunate that I took the chance to make amends and make peace. There are many others who never get to do so.

I still have nightmares, and sleepless nights. There are still times when I close my eyes and I see him as he lay in his hosptial bed. Sometimes I am tormented by the what ifs and if onlys. Every so often a song, a smell, or a place will bring back memories that shake me to the core and nearly bring me to my knees. I am told this will get better with time, but right now I still hurt.

What makes this even harder is the Bumper. I tried as much as I could to shield her from all that happened last November, but she remembers more than I gave her credit for. She asks about him now, she doesn't understand why she can not go visit him with God nor why Goad does not send her daddy back to her. I have no answers to those questions, save only to say I don't know, but God does and we must trust Him even when we do not understand or are angry and in pain. We (the Bumper and I) lit candles for him at church on his birthday, our wedding anniversary, Father's day, and All Souls day. She likes to tell her classmates her daddy is in the clouds with God. I do not dissuade her.

Everyday it gets a little easier. I have our daughter to raise, to enjoy and to spend time with. I am unable to answer all of her questions just yet, but she seems content with my honest responses. As she gets older we will continue to have this conversation, and her questions will get harder, and she will not always like my answers, but we have each other and in the meantime we will keep living the life God has given us the best we can-- as a family.

Today I am sad and that is okay. I will not always be this sad and the holidays won't always be this painful. The Bumper and I have much to look forward to. There are many firsts to explore and many new discoveries to be made, but the past and the future will both have to wait, because I right now I have a sick Bumper to tend to for that too is part of life and the joy I have at seeing her well eclipses all else.

A Moment of Silence Please

Nearly two weeks ago the shootings in Ottawa, ON and Seattle WA took place and dominated the headlines, but because November mid-term elections were coming up, the tragic got turned into the political and then forgotten.  Since All Saints day and All Souls day was this weekend I want to draw attention to the lives lost and the families shattered. Every life is important and everyone was someone's child once. Bethany over at The Apple Cider Mill said it better than I, so I am going to redirect you to her wonderful post:  http://applecidermama.blogspot.com/2014/10/not-disposable-response-to-marysville.html

Kim

Mourning and Peace

After three weeks of sleepless, harrowing nights, when every sound made me start and reach for the phone, the call finally came. At 9:52pm EST on November 25, 2013 I got the call from the hospital telling me the Bumper's dad had passed away. I knew it was coming, and still I was not prepared. In spite of myself I expected him to pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat and pull through. I am still expecting to get a phone call or a text message from him telling me that somehow it was all a mistake. I keep pinching myself to be sure this isn't some kind of deranged nightmare. It is all too real. Yet it is quite surreal, and I am told the way I am feeling is quite normal. I know the people who are telling me this mean to be reassuring, I do not feel reassured. I feel sad, angry, relieved, cold, empty and hurt all at once.

The funeral was Monday December 2, 2013. I did not realize, until it happened to me, how hollow the words people say at funerals seem. I must admit I was in shock then, and the shock has not worn off. Underneath is a vault of tears I have yet to open. I know right now I need to  be strong, for the Bumper, and to get through the legal aftermath. My strength comes from the peace I gained on Sunday November 24, 2013. Let me explain.

On Friday November 22, 2013, the hospital called me and said if I wanted to visit with Matt that the coming weekend would be a good time. This announcement filled me with a quaking dread, I wasn't sure I wanted to see him sick, but the hospital kept saying they were trying everything they could and he was still not responding. Saturday proved to be impossible, so I called the hospital on Sunday morning to check to see if he had improved; he had not, in fact he had gotten worse. The Bumper's dad, the hospital told me, was going into liver failure and his kidneys and pancreas were not far behind. The settled it, off we went. Nana, the Bumper, and I drove the six hours to the hospital where the Bumper's dad was being treated.
I had been warned about what to expect when I got to the Medical Intensive Care Unit. I had been told he could not speak, and was in and out of consciousness. On the drive down I wrote him a letter of all the things I wanted to say to him: how I felt about the verbal abuse, the separation, the custody agreement, his illness, everything. I had been warned. I thought I was prepared. I wasn't

The Bumper's dad lay in a bed swollen and jaundiced -- he was the color of a dirty yellow tennis ball, where the whites of his eyes should have been were filled in with blood, and he could do barely more than moan. There was however light in his eyes, his mind was still there, trapped in a body that was slowly failing, I could see his pain and distress I immediately went to him and grasped one of his hands with mine, and placed my other hand on his chest where I could feel his rapid heartbeat. All I had written, except the last two lines, seemed pointless. I knew what I had to say and I said it.

"I forgive you," I said, "I forgive you for the past eighteen month and for everything that led to our separation."

The Bumper's dad closed his eyes, and sighed, his heartbeat slowed and when he reopened his eyes there was a calm and peace that was not there before. Not willing to simply leave it at that I asked him to forgive me if I had in anyway harmed him. The Bumper's did lightly squeezed my hand and I took that for absolution. Peace settled upon the both of us and we were at ease with one another again,
For the next three hours we stayed with our hands together. We reminisced as best we could about the good times we had shared,. I sang him all of his favorite hymns and a few of our favourite songs. A news story came on about the town where we got engaged and the Bumper's dad shook his body as best he could to point it out to me. I am also confident he made his peace with God because he allowed the hospital chaplain to pray with us and when I asked if he wanted a priest to come and give him the sacrament of the anointing of the sick, he gave me a thumb up. I sat with him until the anaesthesiologist came to begin the last treatment the hospital was going to try. Before I left the room I leaned over and one last time told him I had forgiven him, whispered 'I love you' and reminded him of God's love for him. I refused to say good bye instead I said:

"Fare the well, be at peace and if you need to go, rest assured that I will do my best to let the Bumper know how much her dad loved her."

We did not get back home until two in the morning on Monday. At 7:00pm the hospital called and a teleconference was held with the rest of the family (I was unable to go back to the hospital because of the distance), The treatment they had tried the night before was not working, and the hospital had run out of things to try except to make him comfortable. We agreed to let nature take its course and later that night I got the final call.

I will always be grateful that God gave me the chance to reconcile with the Bumper's dad. I am glad I took the chance when it was offered. I can now look my daughter in the eye and share the good things about him without bitterness or feeling false. I cam mourn with out guilt. I take comfort in the look of peace the Bumper's dad had on his face when I left him that night. The tears will come, but for now Peace sustains me.

Blessings,
Kim

Faith, Trust and Carrying On

Warning: If you are expecting a happy carefree post about homemaking, crafts, or Christian living turn back now.

I am not in a happy place right now. I am in a faith filled place, I am in a grateful place, but it is not a happy place. It is more like an angry, grief stricken, shock-y, this is not really happening to me place.
I debated about blogging this, but I know I am not the only person in this situation and sometimes writing out my feelings helps me sort through them.

On Friday, November 8, 2013 at 4:00 in the morning I got one those calls. The ones that only come in the middle of the night or early morning and come with terrible news. A hospital called  asking for my  permission to treat the Bumper's dad because he had ingested Tylenol, aspirin, and rat poison. My first thought was why would anyone over the age of three mistakenly eat rat poison
then came the realization. The Bumper's dad had tried to commit suicide.
Oh.
Dear.
God.
He is now in the hospital's ICU. He has not regained consciousness, he is not responding to external pain stimuli, he is on a respirator, I have been told there is some brain activity.  The doctors have thus far been unwilling, or unable to give me a prognosis-- they do not know if  he will recover or when. It could take up to thirty days for the poison to leave his body. Thirty days of uncertainty. Thirty days for me to deal with my pain, anger and grief.

Even with everything that had passed between us, with the verbal abuse, I  was still cognizant that this was someone I had once loved enough to marry and have a child with. So I feel betrayed--again.
It hurts to know that he was in so much pain that he thought dying was better than living. Then I get angry, because he kept telling me how much he loved his daughter and all I can think is : Well if you loved her so much, why did you do this to yourself? What about the Bumper? What do I tell her? Best case scenario is he recovers fully and this incident never gets mentioned.  Other options include having to explain to her why he chose to end his life, or why he is so incapacitated that he can not be a father to her. For there are things worse than death.

For example as the legal spouse I have medical power of attorney by default, so I may be called upon to make end of life decisions for someone who should still be in his prime. At the risk of sounding completely selfish: I am so not prepared for this. I do not understand this. Someone said to me recently, after I had explained the situation that many people in my position might have committed suicide themselves or at the very least dived headfirst into a bottle. Neither is an option for me.
Firstly I believe my life is a gift from God and I do not have the right to take it and secondly I am the Bumper's mother. I love her and she needs me. How could I abandon her? As to diving into the bottle-- I will have five years sobriety this November and I am not going to lose that. Anyway it would not do any good, because I certainly would not be able to take care of the Bumper in a drunken stupor and hangovers are a pain.

 So what am I doing? How have I gotten through the last few days without going completely insane?
I have relied on God. I have prayed. I have put my trust in the Lord. It has not been easy. I have read the Bible and called friends to have them pray with me. It helps, but only so much because I am still very human. I get up, I make breakfast, I go through our daily routine. I give and accept hugs from the Bumper. I smile with her as she points out with childish delight the trees arrayed on scarlet and gold. I laugh when a much anticipated rain shower does not produce the lovely splashing puddles she so wanted to jump in.

In the midst of sorrow life still goes on. I am praying for those in the Philippines affected by the Typhoon and grateful my friends are safe. I am trying to look beyond what is going on in my life and reach out to others. I am simply carrying on.

Blessings,
Kim

Holding Up my Head

A Moment of Silence.-- Can Kill.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

http://www.thehotline.org/

1-800-799-SAFE

If you think you are in an emotionally, verbally, sexually, or physically abusive relationship, don't wait, check out the above website.

I am fortunate I had family willing not only to believe my story, but to take me in, others are not so lucky.

If you think someone you know is in an abusive relationship SPEAK UP!

"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self discipline." 2 Tim 1:7.

Fear and Faith

Love shouldn't hurt. A person should never be afraid of his or her spouse. Well my husband has never hit me, but he has hurt me. He has made me feel small and unimportant. He has made me feel incompetent. The kicker is: I LET HIM!
I trusted him with my innermost thoughts, and feelings, and he turned them against me. I am trying to recover, but it is so very hard and I am scared. I am so fearful that I am unable to sleep at night. I am still very much afraid of my husband. My reaction to him at this weekend's visit showed me how much of my power I have given away.
When he left after visiting with our daughter, I was shaking and crying. He got so very angry at such a simple thing. He threw her stuff on the ground and called me a liar before getting into his car and driving away.
These are not the actions of a Christ centered man. I do not want my daughter growing up thinking that abusive behaviour is normal.