August 14, 2011 – It is Raining
Last week my little bumper was sick, this week my husband has been fighting a sinus infection, and I seem to be coming down with something. Today is a wet and rainy Sunday, and I am not feeling very chipper. In fact as I write this I am close to tears. Thing between my husband and myself are quite strained at the moment. We are both in Recovery programs, but lately we seem to be stalled. The first step in recovery is to admit you are powerless and that your life is unmanageable. Well sitting in my living room, looking around at the piles of junk mail, boxes and things that do not have a home I would have to say my life is pretty unmanageable. To tackle this I signed up for “Fly Lady”, I have seen progress, but it is not enough for my husband. Apparently I am not progressing fast enough. I do not know how to clean or keep house, these are skills I have to learn, and it is a steep learning curve. I also have trouble communicating; I grew up in a household where people didn’t talk so much to each other as at each other. I do not know how to adequately express my needs, wants or feelings. I have trouble being intimate; according to my husband I am cold. My husband is not talking to me. He hasn’t for the last two days. I feel hurt and manipulated. He says I don’t talk to him, that I do this kind of thing all the time. But I don’t ignore him when he asks me a direct question, I don’t pretend he isn’t there. I have been praying about my situation, but right now God seems very far away. I hope to write about happier things soon, but this is where I am right now and I felt like I needed to get it off my chest. Besides no-one is reading my blog anyway.