Paying Attention

Okay so last week I was all excited because I got to volunteer at the Bumper's, and this week both she and I have colds. Oh joy. Of course that does explain my feeling blah yesterday. Last night the Bumper coughed through most of it and kept me awake. Not that I was sleeping, I was too busy training for the alternate nostril breathing event-- I won gold.
Sigh . Urgh.
Well it is not completely unexpected, after all was in a room full of three year old's last week-- and with all due respect little kids are germ magnets. How could they not be? The touch everything and put whatever they think might taste interesting in their mouths. The upshot of all this I know I would be feeling so yucky if I had just taken care of myself. Yes washed my hands, and sneezed into my arm and all of that. What I mean is I fell off the health wagon and hit the pavement hard.
I took a vegan pledge for two weeks, and took it one step further and cut out coffee and sweets. After the first couple of days, which basically sucked, I started to feel pretty good. I drank plenty of water, got plenty of sleep, had more energy, more creativity and generally felt good about myself.  Life was good. I even, at first, managed to quash a cheese craving.

Then I hit the wall, I wanted something sweet and chocolaty. So I made avocado chocolate mousse. It sounds harmless enough, but it was like the creamy deliciousness opened the floodgates of the wantsies, because then I made blue-berry banana cake, and then the Bumper offered to share her string cheese with me. How do I say no to those baby blue? I didn't. KABOOM.

It was all over. I let my self be persuaded, and cajoled and ahem "sweet-talked" into the fallacy that the weekend doesn't really count when you are trying to get healthy or lose weight. Nana brought home french fries and ice-cream and then we went out to dinner: for pizza. (Please insert face palm here ).  Gentle readers I simply did not have the strength. I ate and drank all those unhealthy things. The milkshakes, the pizza, and the leftovers; because wasting food is bad. I even resumed drinking my morning coffee --laced with creamer.  To make matters worse I did not stop on the weekend. I started out with a healthy breakfast, but those leftovers just kept calling my name. Sometime yesterday afternoon, my body started letting me know it was not happy with me. I got queasy, I felt sticky inside and out, my energy left me.  I tried to drink more coffee, but that only made me want to throw up. Then I knew I had to face the reality. The only way I was going to feel better was eat better. I had a function to go to yesterday evening and they served brownies. I turned them down. It was a start.

So here I sit this morning, drinking water and getting ready to make ginger tea. I still feel gross, what with the cold and all, but I know I will get  better faster if I eat properly. This means a vegetarian diet rich in well, VEGETABLES, whole grains, fruits and legumes and fewer of the treats. When my body rebels it is time to listen.
Blessings,
Kim

Spring Seems Far Away

Blah

I  am having a kind of a blah day.  It is cold and gray. There is no snow in which to play. Still, I am warm. The fire blazes on my hearth and my larder in full. I have no fear for my child tonight. Who knows whether the same can be said for tomorrow. I have learned that much can change in a day, or even less.
I have never been an eat drink and be merry sort of person, but there is some merit in living each day to its fullest. For me this does not mean constant stimulation and excitement, rather it means accepting what the day may bring. I am content to sit inside, drinking hot, while the Bumper lies snug under her blankets getting over her latest cold.
I wanted to spend the day working uninterrupted on my novel, but the Bumper has craved my attention for most of  the day, so it was not to be. I am okay with that. Does that mean I did not get annoyed with her for pulling on me and whining? Of course not. I am human and I get annoyed, I am okay with that too. Once I accepted that I wasn't going to get to write without distraction, my day went much more smoothly. When the Bumper is asleep I will have an hour to myself, before I too surrender to Morpheus' embrace. Until then I snatch a word here and a sentence there and the story grows.
Evening is gently creeping and my street is growing dark, soon I will head into the kitchen to begin rattling pots and pans, knowing all the while the most the Bumper will have is some cheese and a bit of orange. Just for today that is okay too.
Blessings,
Kim

School Days

The hardest part of being snowed in is that the Bumper cannot go to school. I love having the Bumper at home with me, but she loves going to school. The Bumper enjoys school because she gets to learn new things and she gets to play with other children. One of the things that I like about the Bumper's school is they require parents o volunteer, now I realize that this my be hard when both parents are working; but since I am staying home I am able to do so.

The last couple of times my turn came around we were snowed out, so last Wednesday I finally got the chance to be in school with Marie. It was not my first time volunteering, and this time I knew more of what to expect; or so I thought. Marie's regular teacher had an appointment  and she had left her assistant teacher in charge. There must be some unspoken rule of childhood that says when there is a substitute that is the time to test ALL the boundaries, because that is exactly what those ten little three year old's did. It seemed like if the teacher said "sit" they stood, if she said "walk" they ran. They have all also reached the tattling stage. Yikes! Every time I thought things would settle down, someone spit, or hit, or wouldn't share.

In spite of all the drama and chaos, the kids actually managed to complete their unit on  penguins and polar bears and go to music class without any mishaps. I think their favorite part of the day was circle time when they got to name the days of the week and check what the weather was like outside. Story time came in at a close second, although I don't think the assistant teacher appreciated all ten kids trying to sit on her lap at once! For me snack time was the highlight of the day; I got to witness a classroom full of kids, whom the media would have a person believe can not eat anything other than chicken nuggets and pizza happily munching on raw carrots! The Bumper very proudly said the grace and told her classmates that carrots were yummy food.

The After Party

Snow Angel

 The Superbowl (U.S. Football) and Groundhog Day are long since over. For weeks we in States have been eargly looking forward to these bright spots in the winter blah's -- and in the case of Groundhog day the hope that Spring would arrive early. Well the party snacks have all been consumed and the mess cleaned up. The teams played, one won and one lost. The groundhog saw his shadow so apparentlywe have six more weeks of winter. Oh joy. So now what? Do I give into my natural inclination to hibernate until spring? As much as I would love to do that, I don't think the Bumper would apprieciate her mama sleeping for the next couple of months. So I have decided to rekindle my interest in baking, and to redouble my efforts to meet my goals for the new year.

Yummy!

On the baking front I have been experimenting with more vegan recipes including a lentil casserole, applesauce cake and banana-carrot-blueberry cake. While those three turned out wonderfully, the almond butter bars went on the walk of shame and into the compost! Blech!

I have been working on my next novel and I am quite excited about it, as I am finally starting to get a feel for the characters.

Slowly but surely

My crochet is coming along quite slowly. The Bumper wants me to make a blanket for her doll cradle and I am more than happy to oblige, but I would be making a lot more progress if she would stop unraveling it every chance she gets.

Such cheerful cloth!

One of my goals for this year is to learn how to sew, so last weekend I bought a mother daughter apron pattern and the Bumper's Nana proceeded to show me how to iron cloth and cut out a pattern, hopefully next weekend I will get to use the machine! I am excited and so is the Bumper. She can hardly wait to have an apron of her very own.

All of these activites help to keep me busy and not to dwell too much on the might have beens and grief. I am present in each of these projects and they keep me present for the Bumper.
Blessings,
Kim

Snowed In

Winter has definitely arrived in this part of the country, and while it does get cold and snowy it doesn't happen very often. Where I live we are sheltered by the Chesapeake Bay so most of the time the bad weather misses us. Not the last couple of years, much to the Bumper's delight. Last year we had one very decent snowfall -- about 5inches and this year so far we have had one and are in the middle of getting another.

As an adult my perspective on snowstorms changed. When I started working after college I suddenly realized that wintry weather could be a pain, because gone were the carefree days of tobogganing, snowmen, and hot coca; they have been replaced by shoveling the driveway, scraping off the car and actually driving to work in the stuff. YUCK!

Fast forward a dozen years or so and the Bumper enters my life. Hello childhood magic, how  I have missed you. The Bumper is three this year and she has gotten the idea about snow. She loves the stuff! She makes snow angles, and snowmen, and dizzy crazy tracks in the snow. I can enjoy her laughter and enthusiasm, while vainly trying to convince my headstrong daughter that 8 degrees F is not play weather.

In the end I caved, bundled the two of us up and headed out with her. When we finally came in I made a bowl of maple candy, since the Bumper does not care for coca, and soon we will pop some pop corn  and sit by the pellet stove. Winter bliss I say.

Blessings,
Kim

Of Toddlers and Tea Parties

One of the things the Bumper received from her grandparents for her third birthday was a musical play tea set. That's right musical, the tea pot "sings" I'm a Little Teapot. I plastered a smile on my face and politely said thank you. In my head I was thinking "Oh no! Not another noisy toy!"
Well, the Bumper fell in love with the tea set even before it was out of the box. She could hardly wait for me to take away the package, and once I did she promptly served tea to her grandparents. Even though I switched the dial to off, it did not take the Bumper long to figure out how to turn on the sound. I contemplated taking out the batteries, but seeing her jumping with excitement when the kettle made pouring noises stayed my hand. I am glad. For something wonderful happened.

After the initial excitement wore off, the Bumper seemed to forget about the little play set and I thought that would be that.  A few weeks later she discovered it again and this time the figured out how to make it play the song. She was ecstatic!  she jumped, she danced and she sang. Then she insisted I find the lyrics online and perform the dance that goes along with the lyrics. I obliged and I had so much fun showing the Bumper how to be the little teapot. We spent about three hours (not kidding) doing this until she learned the song and the movements by heart.

Since that afternoon we have had many pretend picnic tea parties, but the music has stayed off. The Bumper turned off the sound herself at the end of our dance party. She decided she likes quiet tea parties instead. She still likes the song and dance and every so often I catch her singing it to herself and making the movements.

A toy I thought would be a nuisance turned into something that opened the doors of imagination for the Bumper. I am glad to have been wrong on this one. I love watching her play and invent stories for her stuffed animals.

Blessings,
Kim

Whew! The Holidays Are Over or Dickens Is Rolling In His Grave

I felt like Ebenezer Scrooge this year. It is not that I don't like Christmas, I do  and it is a good thing because my family tends to stretch it out until the middle of January. We start on Christmas Eve and end with the Fiesta for the Infant Jesus of Cebu.

I felt like Scrooge because of the ghosts. I knew this Christmas was going to be difficult with my husband's death shortly before Thanksgiving, but I did not expect to visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present and yet to come.

 When I went to midnight mass I had a hard time concentrating on the service because I kept remembering years past. I remember the year we got engaged and how happy we were, singing "Joyful, Joyful we adore thee," at the top of our lungs because we were bursting with heartfelt joy. Then I remembered last year; we were separated and still angry with one another, but the two of us made time to go "sneaking" (the three of us flattened ourselves against the walls of the sanctuary and scoot around the room) with the Bumper.  It was with a pang I realized that was the first and last time the three of us would ever do that, so in commemoration after Mass I went "sneaking".
On Christmas day we went to a Christmas brunch where the Bumper was showered in gifts, and go to play with some children her own age. Afterwards we went back to Nana's house where the Bumper's paternal grandparents came over and her even more gifts, the Bumper and I have been quite overwhelmed by all this generosity. Yet in the middle of the happiness, I was ill at ease waiting for the moment when the Bumper asked to see her dad. When that moment came, none of us present knew what to say and instead chose the diversionary tactic of a tea party with Grandpa.

As we headed into the New Year, I began to understand that I was going to have to create new holiday traditions with the Bumper, one of those traditions will be visiting with my sister on the day after Christmas, but I am not quite sure how to incorporate all of the Bumper's dad's family. Another new tradition may be opening family gifts on Epiphany.

The next few weeks were taken over by dance practice for the fiesta. The fiesta is a Filipino custom that is part party, part cultural showcase and part religious devotion, and although my family is not Filipino we have been adopted by the community. This was Marie's first year dancing and she did not quite have the hang of all the steps, but she sure had fun! As I watched her my fists instinct was to to share the pictures I took with her dad, but he is no longer there. Instead I have been sharing the pictures with as many friends and relatives as possible.

The Holiday season was good because I was able to connect the Bumper with some of her dad's family, and take pleasure in her delight in everything. Yet at the same time it was hard because I was, and still am, grieving. As I stood in front of the Nativity at our church I thought about that first Christmas so long ago: Mary and Joseph were far away from family and the comforts of home, the were most likely scared and lonely, yet they had faith in God's plan and they persevered. Even the great event of the birth of the Savior was tinged with sorrow. I am comforted by that, knowing it is okay for me to be sad as well joyful. I also have faith in God's plan and I too will persevere.

Blessings,
Kim