Sneak Peek

Nearly Done!

Sticks and Stones

" Stick and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

 I learned this adage as a child, but it is not true. Words do hurt. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. The nasty comments, the slurs, the curses these stay with me a lot longer than the compliments.

I had been hopeful that things might be looking up for M and I, but we have settle back into our old pattern of hurled insults and tears : him with the insults and me with the tears.

Last Saturday I took the Bumper up to see M. We met in a neutral location- his church. I took the Bumper to him, no sooner than we had arrived he shoved a piece of paper that would have made changes to out visitation agreement under my nose and ordered me to sign. I have made it a long standing practice never to sign anything without reading it, so I refused. He went into a rage and and started yelling at me and telling me how untrustworthy I was and he wouldn't have to do this if I didn't lie to him all the time. M then proceeded to curse and call my mother the "N" word because she was waiting out side in the car. I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. We were in public, there were lots of people around and he still felt free to verbally attack me. I did the only thing I could I left.

Three days later I am still reeling. I keep wondering if his accusations are true, if I really am a bad mother, and a horrible person. Self-doubt and worry crowd out all other thoughts. Yet I  put my faith and trust in the Lord and I take comfort in Psalm 37.

There are days when I wonder if all this pain and turmoil is worth it, then I see the Bumper smile and greet her Nana with a hug, I watch her play with the backyard kittens, and squeal with delight when she gets ready for her bath, and I know God wants me to stay right where I am.

Blessings

Ten things I am grateful for today:

1. God's love and mercy.
2. The Bumper.
3. Forgiving someone so the hurt doesn't fester and poison my spirit.
4. Trying on my very first Plain Dress
5. Learning sew (sewed my first seam two weeks ago -- no I did not make the Plain Dress).
6. My crochet project which I hope to share soon.
7. Plenty to eat, clean water to drink, clothes to wear, a roof over my head  and plenty of food to eat.
8. Hot summer days as an excuse to suck on ice chips.
9. Being Alive -- I had a friend pass away last month.
10. Hearing The Bumper say : NO and MINE!

Sometimes I need to take the time to count my blessings, especiall when I am feeling down.

Shenendoah Fiber Festival

Shh-- I have a guilty secret, which I will reveal at the end of this post. Last Fall my mother and I took the Bumper to the Shenandoah Fiber Festival. We has so much fun! I thoroughly enjoyed looking at all the pretty dyed woolens (alpaca, goat and sheep). So many wonderful colors:

 Those deep blues and purples make me feel calm and relaxed and they do my heart good.

These yarns were dyed using all natural plant material. I got see the whole process from vats of fleece to spinning, dyeing and final product. I went quite gaga and drooly over the whole thing. The Bumper liked looking at the animals, she thought the two-humped camel was especially funny.

My Mom enjoyed her granddaughter.

My guilty secret?
 I have totally fallen in love with crochet! Bring on the crafty, yarn goodness!!

I am making the Bumper a crochet Christmas stocking which I will reveal soon.
Lots of love and God Bless.
Kim

"Me Time"

As a new mother ( although given Bumper is 17month I feel like a veteran) time to myself is practically non-existent. I used to find time for myself in the shower, but Bumper has decided to join me more often than not.( i take the opportunity to explain that mama takes a bath just like Bumper does) I used to go to the bathroom by myself, but the Bumper has decided to join me more often than not. (I, through gritted teeth, tell her someday she will be a big girl and use the potty like mama) I used to have early morning prayer - journal- blog time but--Hey wait I am doing that now *YAY* 15 stolen minutes that are mine all mine BWHAHAH!
In all seriousness I have discovered the need to refresh and renew each day; whether that is a snatched moment of silent prayer early in the morning, or taking Bumper on a walk so she will fall asleep in her stroller, or reading after she has gone to bed for the night.
When I take these moments I can then be more present for my little one. I can be patient, gentle, kind and understanding... at least most of the time.

Ten Things I am Grateful For Today

1.God's Love
2. My daughter "the Bumper"
3. Family willing to take me in
4. Bible devotions
5. Warm sunshine.
6. Food to eat.
7. Clean water to drink.
8. Clean clothes to wear.
9. The ability to smile and laugh.
10. A cozy bed t sleep in tonight.

I am blessed and God is good.

Kim

Thoughts on Love and Marriage

 M and I are redefining our relationship. Right now we are in a separation. We both have a lot of things we need to work through. Our relationship has been severely damaged. I left because I couldn't stand being abused verbally and emotionally. I know there are some in the Christian community who would say I have not given our marriage a chance, and that I should stay with my husband. This is something I struggle with daily. I wanted so much to be a Titus 2 woman, a Proverbs 31 wife and a keeper at home. I often second guess myself, but at the same time I know God did not create marriage for suffering and abuse. A marriage should be joyful -- not always happy -- but always loving. I believe in Biblical headship, I wanted my husband to be the head of our family and to lead us in prayer and faith and worship. BUT that is not the man I married. In my experience he asked for servility not submission, humiliation rather than humility. He even began to use my faith against me. I have my faults, make no mistake, I am a sinner redeemed by Christ and that does not mean I will not continue to stumble and fall during my walk with him. I take heart from second Timothy: 1:7.